A pretty bad "Mom day"

Actually, I think I had the worst *mom* day in the history of all my bad mom days.  It didn't start out that way, let me tell you...

I woke up to a bazillion (okay - maybe 10... or 5) compliments on my new profile picture on facebook and instagram... yesss.... I made the kids breakfast (the best kind for kids: high protein, high fat)...yesss...  I made a similar lunch for them to take to school - I even remembered to pack Anaya an apple because they make applesauce in her class on Thursdays.  Pat's self on the back.

I got them to school on time - even got a chance to chat it up with a few moms.  Awesomeeeee.

Went home, did a little meditating in my sacred space.

Meditating works out better when they are sleeping or at school.

Did some sketches in my art journal outside on my back porch.

Journaled in my daily journal...

I was Totally feeling myself.

Must be the New Moon, I told myself.

THEN it was time to get my kids.  I admit - I was not very positive about this.  For good reason...  This is the first week of school, so our rhythm is all the way f-ed up.  I have no idea if Anaya will drop her naps - or if I should stay after school in the playgarden so Zeke can play with his classmates - which will mess with Anaya's naps - but maybe I should try to phase her out of them, anyway, so she will sleep longer at night... and if we do stay, what time we should leave?... If it were up to Zeke, it would be sometime after dark... and at what time should I start dinner?  These are details that I have not figured out, yet.  Unfortunately, un-figured-out, we are rhythm-less. And Zekey, who thrives on rhythm (all kids do - but Zekey more than most) - goes completely crazy without one.

You may know how this story ends.  We went to the playgarden, Zekey loses his mind when it is time to leave, I COMPLETELY lose my cool.  (I may or may not have turned into Darth Vadar and/or hit him back when he hit and kicked me and/or weighed the benefits/pitfalls of leaving him on the side of the road).  I felt terrible, afterwards.

So bad, I cried.  A long and ugly cry.

Then, I tried to logically analyze the situation.

1.) I am not good at being the mom I want to be.
2.) This makes me sad.
3.) Being sad makes my *goodness* at being a mom pretty nonexistant.
3.) I am destined to be sad, forever...

And this, dear readers, is the beginning of my depression.  Fortunately, I have been storing up tools to aid me in using my depression to help become a better person. Clearly, the solution is not to follow my pure logic.

I can't just BE a "better" mom by willing it.  I certainly can't pretend to be super mom and just DO what I think *should* be done just because I think it is the right thing to do.  I clearly have feelings that need to be dealt with - without shame. (Which creates shadow - which is how some people *actually* leave their kids on the side of the road... or blow their brains out... or both, maybe.)

So, I have to look at other clues that will lead me to the *real* answer.  One thing I have learned to look out for is what strong emotions I have about *other people*.

And *other people* in this case was my husband.  As you can imagine, I was pretty pissed at him by the time we saw him.  Here he was at work all day - in his peaceful, air conditioned office.  He is a super genius and his work is pretty brainy - so I am sure he got way more done than what was needed of him without stress.  When he comes home, he does not have to worry about if the kitchen is clean enough to make dinner, or what we are having for dinner (or breakfast...or lunch), or if there is even enough groceries for either of those. Neither does he have to worry about which rhythm will be the most beneficial and efficient - and how best to implement it.  So, of course he comes home in a deLIGHTful mood and I am so angry - I can't even really talk to him.  Fortunately, he understood - and didn't take offense (he did, after all have the ENTIRE day to himself).

Anyway, as I am analyzing my thoughts, I see him as the one that I have the strongest emotions about. Which is kinda crazy because he didn't, um, DO anything.... And then I realize that I have almost no compassion for him.  He may not be burned out from work, but he certainly does not deserve my animosity.  So, I started looking at the compassion that I was feeling for myself.

ABSOLUTELY NONE.    When I looked at that in my meditation, I immediately began to cry.  Wow. I was RAGING against myself. What a jerkface I have been to myself!  How in the world am I going to call myself a bad mom for losing my cool?  How many moms lose their cool? I bet a lot of us.  So, who did I think I was to never lose my cool?

And here again I was - calling myself a jerkface for wanting to force myself to be a great mom....   It's a vicious cycle, I tell ya!

I am now trying to give myself (and others!) the same compassion I think my kids deserve.  And I encourage you to do the same!   It is so hard, but let's work on it!

Zekey telling his sister a secret.  He likes me to put his hair 

like that so that he can pretend to be Batman.  She likes to wear

 one arm out of her sleeve... They are clearly quite the fashionistas.  

Who WOULDN'T want to be the best mom ever to them??

Love and Light,
Ayana

PMS makes me a better person.

So, these past few weeks, I have been in a TERRIBLE mood.  I have been super pissed at my husband and my kids have been driving me UP THE WALL.  I got a job (which I have been trying to get for a few months now) - but I wasn't even happy about it.  I was just stressed about it.  Are they going to like me?  Am I going to like them?  Am I going to be able to *submit* to the rules (oooh, I HATE that word!)?  Am I going to be able to stand missing some dinners every week with my family in order to go to work?

And the more angry I got, the more ANGRY I got... I was even threatening to cancel our family trip that we have been planning for several months.  It was a downward spiral.  I couldn't even journal (gasp!) because I was SO angry - I was liable to tear out the pages!

I was PMSing.

And if you are anything like my family and friends, you are going "Oooooh.  Of course.  Just wait - it will pass and you will be just fine."

That is what I normally do: Just let it pass.  I generally chuck my PMS time as a time to ignore my emotions.  But in this self-discovery journey - it is becoming clear that *extreme* emotions are not something to just ignore and wait out.

Neither are my depressive episodes (some may consider a chemical imbalance).  On the contrary, those extremely sensitive times are a map to pointing out things that need to be worked on.

This moontime, I was being led to be grateful.

Oprah's 21 day challenge has been.... a challenge to do every single day (especially while on vacation).  But I did catch the gratitude meditation and BOY has it made a difference.  If you just sit and think about everything in your life that you are grateful for.  And not just list generic things like food, shelter, and life.  But REALLY think about it them - and think about WHY you love these things.  It will fill you with so much happiness, you will be about to burst.

In my case, I think about each of my kids - and how funny, quirky, amazing, and beautiful they are.  I think about how they look, how they walk, and the funny stuff they say.  I think about my husband - and how he is (seriously) like the MOST AMAZING person EVER.  He is so grounded, and patient, and giving... and just all around awesome.  And then the job.  The job I got is one that I could not have designed to fit my lifestyle better.  It is part-time, a couple of days a week, the income is enough to significantly change our lifestyle - and the rate at which we meet our financial goals, and (most importantly) I LOVE the actual work.

And doing that meditation made me so full of happiness, it felt like I won the lottery or something.

So, even though my emotions were 'way off', they showed me what I needed to focus on. My family - which is the BEST thing in my life, and I was not fully appreciating them.

So, I challenge you to do the same!  The next time you have an extreme emotion to something, instead of just ignoring it - try to do a little self-reflection to find out what the real problem is.  And even if you aren't feeling particularly grumpy, try a gratitude meditation.   It is an instant mood booster.

So grateful we went on the trip!

Love and Light,
Ayana

New Moon Intentions

One of my favorite stones in my collection ;).

Daily Meditation

I have been following along with the meditations with Deepak and Oprah - and it has been great. Actually, out of the 5 minutes allotted of actual meditation (the audio is about 15 minutes)- I have probably been *focusing* for about 1 minute... Okay, maybe 30 seconds.  But all the reading materials say to be kind to yourself - and that the more you do it, the better you will get at it.  I do feel a difference in my mood after I have meditated - so Yay!  It is working.  Imagine how well it will work if I am able to meditate for MORE than 30 seconds....

Finish this book

ALSO, I have been reading this book: You are Psychic by Debra Lynne Katz.  And it is AMAZING!  Okay, so the name may put some people off - but my intentions for reading this book is NOT to become a psychic.  I really just want to open up my 6th chakra (3rd eye) - and who has the clearest 3rd eye?  Certainly psychics!  I will actually finish this book well before the next new moon as I am already half-way through it - and I just started it yesterday.  It is THAT GOOD.  Seriously.

Start selling .

This one is probably the one that is going to give me the most trouble.  I cannot tell you how much anxiety I have about putting my work out there for sale.  But I will do it anyway.  It is my dream to have a creative career - and the only way I will be able to do it - is to just DO IT.  So, I am going to start small and see what happens.

Okay.  So that is what I hope to accomplish in the next 28 1/2 days!  Do you set new moon intentions? It is something I started last month, and I really like it! :) So do it, do it, do it!

Love and Light

Ayana

21 day Meditation Challenge

One of my many Buddha statues. Doesn't it look so peaceful just sitting there?

I have never been one to meditate.  I always have to be doing something.  Whenever I sit still my brain is bombarded with worries (oh, no, what if THIS happens?), past conversations (did I say the wrong thing?), stuff I did not do well (I need to do better!), and stuff I NEED to do (what are you doing, just sitting here when your house is SUCH a mess?).  I told you it was dark in there.

Meditation, hopefully, will train my brain to work *correctly* and into the light. ANDDD

Oprah and Deepak Chopra are hosting a 21 day meditation challenge that starts tomorrow!  My brother invited me to join and I am SO in.  Hopefully, afterwards I will have developed a meditation practice that will extend well beyond the 21 days.

I am so excited!  Are you in?  Click here to sign up!

Love and Light
Ayana

I deserve love.

I do not sell my art.  I have had numerous requests for me to sell my work. However the thought of selling my art - makes me unmotivated to even MAKE art.  Which is stupid - because I need money - and I make art - it's a "DUH" kinda situation.  I finally decided to journal about it and, I realize what the problem is...  This is going to sound really dramatic, but  here goes:

Post Cards I had printed, but have been too afraid to sell :/

People buy art because they love the artist behind the art and....I feel like I don't deserve love.

I know, I know.  You guys are like: "She is sooooo over the top".  <- That is what I think about myself. That is also probably why I haven't been dealing with these issues until recently.  Fortunately,  journaling forces me to write down my *real* thoughts - no matter how illogical or frivolous. The more I journal, the more I am able to uncensor myself and the REAL truth comes out automatically.  (Have I convinced you to start journaling, yet? Say Yes!)

(I don't want to make this a Christian bashing blog but, that is where most of my shadows originate.)  My Christian upbringing taught me that man is *inherently* evil - that we are born deserving hell and the only way to get into God's good graces is to become a Christian.  Then, like magic, we are pure and clean.

I am sure that this belief system makes some Christians feel *safe* and *good*.  Unfortunately, it makes me feel undeserving and bad and.... dirty.  And if I am bad, the kind of bad that deserves eternal torture in the fiery pits of hell, then CLEARLY I do not deserve love.

Which is crazy.  Obviously, everyone deserves love - and those who get the least of it become the source of the *worst* acts in society.

So, from here on out, my mantra is going to be: "I deserve love".  Because I do!  And so do you ;).

Love and Light

Ayana

Why I twerk...

I have a problem with hood music.  And when I say "problem", I mean I have to dance as hard and fast as I can whenever the most degrading-to-women song comes on.  You may even find me popping splits or feet up on the wall - in a semi-handstand, shaking my booty.

Not a modest dancer

It is quite entertaining to watch (I'm told).  As much fun as I have while I am dancing, I am so embarrassed afterwards.  When I was 7 months pregnant with my (now 2 year old) daughter, I was in my cousin's wedding.  I acted a FOOL at the reception.  Just imagine a huge belly lady, popping and shaking like she is at a club.  Total Foolishness.

This is my shadow.  One of them, anyway.

I recently read The Shadow Effect, by Deepak Chopra, Debbie Ford, and Marianne Williamson (I listened to it on my MP3) - and it changed my life!

I know, I know, I say that everything is changing my life these days.  But seriously.  This book Changed.My.Life.

The basic premise is that we were taught at a young age to *split* ourselves.  That there is bad us - and good us.  The bad us needs to be exterminated so we work really hard to do only good things so that we can "Be Good".  All of our *bad* qualities need to be pushed down as far as possible.  And shame is how it is done. Shame is what creates the shadow.

Unfortunately for us wanna-be-do-gooders, they don't stay down. Our bad qualities have a habit of coming up in unexpected ways - a lot of times WORST than just doing whatever *bad* thing we were trying not to do.

Growing up, I was told that a Godly woman was a modest one.  That I should make sure to dress modestly, to act modestly.  That any urge to act outside of these established boundaries was sinful and therefore should be avoided at all costs.  ESPECIALLY when it comes to sex.  As a matter of fact, I should not even *think* about boys. - much less date them.  My family was really into the book: I kissed dating, goodbye, by Joshua Harris.  They thought it was a GENIUS idea!  "Why, if you don't date, then you can't get into trouble."

Obviously, I had to dance as wild as possible.  This was my way of letting off all of that repressed energy.  Unfortunately, I am ASHAMED of myself afterwards.  So stupid.

I should learn from the The Shadow Effect book I should not be ashamed of my wild-dancing ways.  That shame is what created the shadow in the first place!

Well, I'm working on it ;).

Journals and Journaling

If you know me in real life (and probably if you know me online, too), you know that I am obsessed with journaling.  I try to make it a daily practice.  Sometimes (if time permits), I will even journal multiple times a day!  The clarity I get from it can be quite addictive.

I do a sort of free form, stream-of-consciousness, journaling.  I allow my hands to be a recorder - while my brain dictates.  Because I can't write as fast as I normally think, it slows my brain down a bit, quiets the extraneous thoughts, and allows what is REALLY on my mind a space to be heard + recorded.

And every time I do that - I get the answer.  Sometimes, the answer to my problem/question will just pop into my mind - as if it were already there hiding beneath the surface waiting to be called up. Sometimes it will come from something externally - like a post on facebook - or a passage from a book that I am reading.  Putting my issues into words, for some reason always calls the solution to me.

For the past few years, I have used a cheapie composition book to journal in. It is covered with a cute, scrappy-quilted, journal cover (that I plan to reuse - but by the time I finish a journal, I am in the mood to make another cover).

I love the look of the outside of them - but I wanted my current journal to be a bit more expressive of my inner world. So, I made a book that represents that - a book filled with black pages.  I know, that sounds very dramatic.

But seriously, when I sit quietly inside my own head - it is so dark and grim in there - probably from being so repressed.  I learned from my super religious up-bringing, that we are to search OUTSIDE of ourselves for answers, that the Bible holds all of the (important) answers, and if there is any conflict in my mind - then I must squash the inner *knowing* that is conflicting.

Because what is it that we really know?  Isn't man inherently evil?  And without believing in the Christian faith, aren't we lost and doomed for hell?  Maybe...

But if I keep following a path that someone else has dictated is the *right one*, I will most certainly have a nervous breakdown.  My family has a history of mental illness, so this is more than probable.

Anyway, that is the back story to my journal of black pages.  Fortunately, the more I face my shadows (shine light on them) they disappear!  So maybe my next journal will be a bit brighter. ;)

Are you ready to start journaling? Do it!  Do it right now!  It may take a while to get your flow - and to start receiving inner wisdom - but it is soooo, soooo amazing when you do!  Here are a few tutorials to make your own journal!

Here is a tutorial on how to make a journal cover.              Here is one on how to make a journal with black pages.

                   

Love and Light

Ayana

I am *not* ugly.

 We recently had in-laws in town, and one of them gave me a hard time about my feet - that hurt my feelings so bad, I started crying.  In the store.  Well, it was a corner of the store so not to draw attention to myself - especially from the offending family member.  Maybe she would be sympathetic and
apologize - or maybe she wouldn't be and state that she was just "speaking the truth".

And speaking the truth, would be accurate - as my feet were horrible.  I hadn't had a pedicure in at least 6 months.  I may have polished my toes since then - but not in the last few months.  So not only was the polish chipping - but it had grown out so bad that the bottom third had no polish at all, whatsoever.  It was bad.  

I describe myself as a low-maintenance type of chick.  Actually it may be a bit more extreme than that.  I do not do a lot of self-maintenance besides the obligatory daily shower and brushing/flossing my teeth twice a day.

I rarely shave my legs.
I (obviously) do not get pedicures.
And my eyebrows are fully grown in most of the time.

These things may be present in someone *spiritual* and not concerned about such vanity.  However, my tears indicated that was not the case.

I could have just gotten a pedicure and been done with it.... But I knew from my extreme emotional response that it was deeper than that.  And it was.

So I journaled my way through it.  Which is what I usually do when I am having some sort of inner dilemma    From journaling, it became clear that that the reason I don't do things to *prettify* myself is because I do not feel pretty.  In fact, I feel that spending time + money on making myself attractive is a waste of both.

Which is really, really sad and pathetic.

And stupid.  I am obviously not (that) ugly.  Actually, I don't think I am ugly at all.  I just sometimes have a warped image of myself.  Not unlike a lot of women.

And my journaling alerted me to that.  I haven't quite finished working through it completely, yet - but seeing the issue so clearly is a huge step in resolving it.   I am so, so, grateful for journaling.  I highly recommend it!

BTW, I did get a pedicure (paid for by said family member!)- and made myself a cute little toe ring.  Here is a tutorial for you to make your own!  Just use a smaller gauge wire - I used 16 gauge - which is pretty easy to find in the hardware store.

Love and Light
Ayana.

My Journey

So, I have kinda kept this under wraps, but I have not been a * practicing* Christian for a few years now.  And I say practicing instead of just Christian - because I haven't quite let go of Christianity.

Maybe it's the fear of going to hell.  Maybe it's the disappointment that will be present in so many friends and family.  Maybe it's because my childhood brain-washing has been so thorough, I can not let it all go. Or maybe Christianity is the *real* truth - and like the bible says in Romans 8: 38-39, once you are *saved* you are always saved.

Regardless of my Christian-ness or not, I have not stepped foot into a church in 3 years - and the thought of doing so makes me want to hyperventilate.

About 3 years ago, we were attending an AMAZING church.  I loved the pastor, the music, even the *style* of the church.  Everybody there wore chucks and had tattoos - and the black women rocked awesome naturals.  It was the best church I had ever attended... until something snapped. Nothing happened at the church or anything... but for some reason, I could NOT go back.  Like ever.

Whatever snapped was internal and I finally admitted that Christianity didn't resonate with me - and my body would not let me go back.

Let me tell you a little about my story.

I had been *saved* since I was a toddler - and took it very seriously.  I read my bible, religiously.  I tried my best not to sin.  I went to a string of churches, each one mostly better than the last.  Unfortunately, none of those things gave me a relationship with Spirit.  I felt like I was always on the outside, looking in... waiting my turn for spiritual enlightenment.  Never happened while I was in church.

I went to very emotional churches like: New Birth in Lithonia.  I went to very conservative churches like Second Baptist in Warner Robins.  I went to very literal churches like Calvary Chapel in Fort Valley. Once, we even had our own tiny church in our living room (my husband was not the pastor) - but we did (along with my brother-in-law) make up more than half the membership.

Although the churches were all quite different - the Christian message was the same: "You are evil without Christ.  You are lost with out Jesus.  Anyone who is not Christian is lost and evil and is going to hell."  And this message just does not sit well with me.

Logically, the way a message sits with me is irrelevant.  If God says it, then it's so.  What does my emotional unrest have to do with anything? Just because I didn't *feel* it. Just because I don't *hear* from God, does not mean that anything is wrong with Christianity.  It just means that something is wrong with *me*.    <- and this logic is what kept me going back to church.

It is also what prevented me from listening to and hearing my internal higher self.  I was convinced that something was wrong myself.  Until I stopped going to church.

Then all of a sudden, it seemed like the lights came on.  Okay, a very, very, dim light.  But I was finally able to get snatches of wisdom. It is amazing!

I still have issues with hearing from my Higher Self, consistently. I still have many shadows that need light.  I still have questions about things that come up on my journey.  But *finally* I have a knowing - that I am on the right path.   I am afraid - but so, so excited!

Please join me on my journey :).

Love and Light
Ayana