So, I have kinda kept this under wraps, but I have not been a * practicing* Christian for a few years now. And I say practicing instead of just Christian - because I haven't quite let go of Christianity.
Maybe it's the fear of going to hell. Maybe it's the disappointment that will be present in so many friends and family. Maybe it's because my childhood brain-washing has been so thorough, I can not let it all go. Or maybe Christianity is the *real* truth - and like the bible says in Romans 8: 38-39, once you are *saved* you are always saved.
Regardless of my Christian-ness or not, I have not stepped foot into a church in 3 years - and the thought of doing so makes me want to hyperventilate.
About 3 years ago, we were attending an AMAZING church. I loved the pastor, the music, even the *style* of the church. Everybody there wore chucks and had tattoos - and the black women rocked awesome naturals. It was the best church I had ever attended... until something snapped. Nothing happened at the church or anything... but for some reason, I could NOT go back. Like ever.
Whatever snapped was internal and I finally admitted that Christianity didn't resonate with me - and my body would not let me go back.
Let me tell you a little about my story.
I had been *saved* since I was a toddler - and took it very seriously. I read my bible, religiously. I tried my best not to sin. I went to a string of churches, each one mostly better than the last. Unfortunately, none of those things gave me a relationship with Spirit. I felt like I was always on the outside, looking in... waiting my turn for spiritual enlightenment. Never happened while I was in church.
I went to very emotional churches like: New Birth in Lithonia. I went to very conservative churches like Second Baptist in Warner Robins. I went to very literal churches like Calvary Chapel in Fort Valley. Once, we even had our own tiny church in our living room (my husband was not the pastor) - but we did (along with my brother-in-law) make up more than half the membership.
Although the churches were all quite different - the Christian message was the same: "You are evil without Christ. You are lost with out Jesus. Anyone who is not Christian is lost and evil and is going to hell." And this message just does not sit well with me.
Logically, the way a message sits with me is irrelevant. If God says it, then it's so. What does my emotional unrest have to do with anything? Just because I didn't *feel* it. Just because I don't *hear* from God, does not mean that anything is wrong with Christianity. It just means that something is wrong with *me*. <- and this logic is what kept me going back to church.
It is also what prevented me from listening to and hearing my internal higher self. I was convinced that something was wrong myself. Until I stopped going to church.
Then all of a sudden, it seemed like the lights came on. Okay, a very, very, dim light. But I was finally able to get snatches of wisdom. It is amazing!
I still have issues with hearing from my Higher Self, consistently. I still have many shadows that need light. I still have questions about things that come up on my journey. But *finally* I have a knowing - that I am on the right path. I am afraid - but so, so excited!
Please join me on my journey :).
Love and Light
Ayana
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