PMS makes me a better person.

So, these past few weeks, I have been in a TERRIBLE mood.  I have been super pissed at my husband and my kids have been driving me UP THE WALL.  I got a job (which I have been trying to get for a few months now) - but I wasn't even happy about it.  I was just stressed about it.  Are they going to like me?  Am I going to like them?  Am I going to be able to *submit* to the rules (oooh, I HATE that word!)?  Am I going to be able to stand missing some dinners every week with my family in order to go to work?

And the more angry I got, the more ANGRY I got... I was even threatening to cancel our family trip that we have been planning for several months.  It was a downward spiral.  I couldn't even journal (gasp!) because I was SO angry - I was liable to tear out the pages!

I was PMSing.

And if you are anything like my family and friends, you are going "Oooooh.  Of course.  Just wait - it will pass and you will be just fine."

That is what I normally do: Just let it pass.  I generally chuck my PMS time as a time to ignore my emotions.  But in this self-discovery journey - it is becoming clear that *extreme* emotions are not something to just ignore and wait out.

Neither are my depressive episodes (some may consider a chemical imbalance).  On the contrary, those extremely sensitive times are a map to pointing out things that need to be worked on.

This moontime, I was being led to be grateful.

Oprah's 21 day challenge has been.... a challenge to do every single day (especially while on vacation).  But I did catch the gratitude meditation and BOY has it made a difference.  If you just sit and think about everything in your life that you are grateful for.  And not just list generic things like food, shelter, and life.  But REALLY think about it them - and think about WHY you love these things.  It will fill you with so much happiness, you will be about to burst.

In my case, I think about each of my kids - and how funny, quirky, amazing, and beautiful they are.  I think about how they look, how they walk, and the funny stuff they say.  I think about my husband - and how he is (seriously) like the MOST AMAZING person EVER.  He is so grounded, and patient, and giving... and just all around awesome.  And then the job.  The job I got is one that I could not have designed to fit my lifestyle better.  It is part-time, a couple of days a week, the income is enough to significantly change our lifestyle - and the rate at which we meet our financial goals, and (most importantly) I LOVE the actual work.

And doing that meditation made me so full of happiness, it felt like I won the lottery or something.

So, even though my emotions were 'way off', they showed me what I needed to focus on. My family - which is the BEST thing in my life, and I was not fully appreciating them.

So, I challenge you to do the same!  The next time you have an extreme emotion to something, instead of just ignoring it - try to do a little self-reflection to find out what the real problem is.  And even if you aren't feeling particularly grumpy, try a gratitude meditation.   It is an instant mood booster.

So grateful we went on the trip!

Love and Light,
Ayana

New Moon Intentions

One of my favorite stones in my collection ;).

Daily Meditation

I have been following along with the meditations with Deepak and Oprah - and it has been great. Actually, out of the 5 minutes allotted of actual meditation (the audio is about 15 minutes)- I have probably been *focusing* for about 1 minute... Okay, maybe 30 seconds.  But all the reading materials say to be kind to yourself - and that the more you do it, the better you will get at it.  I do feel a difference in my mood after I have meditated - so Yay!  It is working.  Imagine how well it will work if I am able to meditate for MORE than 30 seconds....

Finish this book

ALSO, I have been reading this book: You are Psychic by Debra Lynne Katz.  And it is AMAZING!  Okay, so the name may put some people off - but my intentions for reading this book is NOT to become a psychic.  I really just want to open up my 6th chakra (3rd eye) - and who has the clearest 3rd eye?  Certainly psychics!  I will actually finish this book well before the next new moon as I am already half-way through it - and I just started it yesterday.  It is THAT GOOD.  Seriously.

Start selling .

This one is probably the one that is going to give me the most trouble.  I cannot tell you how much anxiety I have about putting my work out there for sale.  But I will do it anyway.  It is my dream to have a creative career - and the only way I will be able to do it - is to just DO IT.  So, I am going to start small and see what happens.

Okay.  So that is what I hope to accomplish in the next 28 1/2 days!  Do you set new moon intentions? It is something I started last month, and I really like it! :) So do it, do it, do it!

Love and Light

Ayana

21 day Meditation Challenge

One of my many Buddha statues. Doesn't it look so peaceful just sitting there?

I have never been one to meditate.  I always have to be doing something.  Whenever I sit still my brain is bombarded with worries (oh, no, what if THIS happens?), past conversations (did I say the wrong thing?), stuff I did not do well (I need to do better!), and stuff I NEED to do (what are you doing, just sitting here when your house is SUCH a mess?).  I told you it was dark in there.

Meditation, hopefully, will train my brain to work *correctly* and into the light. ANDDD

Oprah and Deepak Chopra are hosting a 21 day meditation challenge that starts tomorrow!  My brother invited me to join and I am SO in.  Hopefully, afterwards I will have developed a meditation practice that will extend well beyond the 21 days.

I am so excited!  Are you in?  Click here to sign up!

Love and Light
Ayana

I deserve love.

I do not sell my art.  I have had numerous requests for me to sell my work. However the thought of selling my art - makes me unmotivated to even MAKE art.  Which is stupid - because I need money - and I make art - it's a "DUH" kinda situation.  I finally decided to journal about it and, I realize what the problem is...  This is going to sound really dramatic, but  here goes:

Post Cards I had printed, but have been too afraid to sell :/

People buy art because they love the artist behind the art and....I feel like I don't deserve love.

I know, I know.  You guys are like: "She is sooooo over the top".  <- That is what I think about myself. That is also probably why I haven't been dealing with these issues until recently.  Fortunately,  journaling forces me to write down my *real* thoughts - no matter how illogical or frivolous. The more I journal, the more I am able to uncensor myself and the REAL truth comes out automatically.  (Have I convinced you to start journaling, yet? Say Yes!)

(I don't want to make this a Christian bashing blog but, that is where most of my shadows originate.)  My Christian upbringing taught me that man is *inherently* evil - that we are born deserving hell and the only way to get into God's good graces is to become a Christian.  Then, like magic, we are pure and clean.

I am sure that this belief system makes some Christians feel *safe* and *good*.  Unfortunately, it makes me feel undeserving and bad and.... dirty.  And if I am bad, the kind of bad that deserves eternal torture in the fiery pits of hell, then CLEARLY I do not deserve love.

Which is crazy.  Obviously, everyone deserves love - and those who get the least of it become the source of the *worst* acts in society.

So, from here on out, my mantra is going to be: "I deserve love".  Because I do!  And so do you ;).

Love and Light

Ayana

Why I twerk...

I have a problem with hood music.  And when I say "problem", I mean I have to dance as hard and fast as I can whenever the most degrading-to-women song comes on.  You may even find me popping splits or feet up on the wall - in a semi-handstand, shaking my booty.

Not a modest dancer

It is quite entertaining to watch (I'm told).  As much fun as I have while I am dancing, I am so embarrassed afterwards.  When I was 7 months pregnant with my (now 2 year old) daughter, I was in my cousin's wedding.  I acted a FOOL at the reception.  Just imagine a huge belly lady, popping and shaking like she is at a club.  Total Foolishness.

This is my shadow.  One of them, anyway.

I recently read The Shadow Effect, by Deepak Chopra, Debbie Ford, and Marianne Williamson (I listened to it on my MP3) - and it changed my life!

I know, I know, I say that everything is changing my life these days.  But seriously.  This book Changed.My.Life.

The basic premise is that we were taught at a young age to *split* ourselves.  That there is bad us - and good us.  The bad us needs to be exterminated so we work really hard to do only good things so that we can "Be Good".  All of our *bad* qualities need to be pushed down as far as possible.  And shame is how it is done. Shame is what creates the shadow.

Unfortunately for us wanna-be-do-gooders, they don't stay down. Our bad qualities have a habit of coming up in unexpected ways - a lot of times WORST than just doing whatever *bad* thing we were trying not to do.

Growing up, I was told that a Godly woman was a modest one.  That I should make sure to dress modestly, to act modestly.  That any urge to act outside of these established boundaries was sinful and therefore should be avoided at all costs.  ESPECIALLY when it comes to sex.  As a matter of fact, I should not even *think* about boys. - much less date them.  My family was really into the book: I kissed dating, goodbye, by Joshua Harris.  They thought it was a GENIUS idea!  "Why, if you don't date, then you can't get into trouble."

Obviously, I had to dance as wild as possible.  This was my way of letting off all of that repressed energy.  Unfortunately, I am ASHAMED of myself afterwards.  So stupid.

I should learn from the The Shadow Effect book I should not be ashamed of my wild-dancing ways.  That shame is what created the shadow in the first place!

Well, I'm working on it ;).