tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39846677780605337492024-03-05T14:14:06.163-08:00Wild Moon RisingBreaking out of my shell. Rising up. Being Me. Wild and Free.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-83770240798447947952015-07-01T17:28:00.000-07:002015-07-01T19:32:03.686-07:00Honing your empathic abilities.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqcnd2RULiSKJ8DX7pDgmJUgaDjYOUzZqdM-XYA999kHHBTZF3DZySmPC8k-bCpxbyx7r57GFQay19Xs-kwRpVwfzCOFXDIhSV6SPCq37ke-FGuG6PU8Ufy4wsOTHVUAlZy-4ztdzDGBw/s1600/DSC_0259.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqcnd2RULiSKJ8DX7pDgmJUgaDjYOUzZqdM-XYA999kHHBTZF3DZySmPC8k-bCpxbyx7r57GFQay19Xs-kwRpVwfzCOFXDIhSV6SPCq37ke-FGuG6PU8Ufy4wsOTHVUAlZy-4ztdzDGBw/s320/DSC_0259.JPG" width="320" /></a>Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am a classic empath. <a href="http://healing.about.com/cs/empathic/a/uc_empathtraits.htm">Here is a link to a full description.</a> If you are the type that can't be bothered with too much information, here is a shorter definition: <b>an empath is someone who senses others emotions and thoughts more clearly than most.</b><br />
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To be honest, my empathic abilities can be super beneficial in my friendships and as a teacher/tutor. I am able to get inside my friends' minds and figure out how I can add value to their life. I figure out what makes them tick. I sense what may be stopping them from living their best possible life. I then use that information to see how I can assist them in their journey. I love the intimate relationships I develop with people using this skill. <br />
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As a teacher/tutor, I am able to figure out how my students think so that I can teach them in a highly effective manner. I see when students merely need more confidence (as opposed to more knowledge). I see where they make incorrect assumptions - and I can typically intuit why they made them. I use this information to adjust my teaching strategy. My students are always delighted to realize that, yes, they actually CAN learn anything. (I especially loved working with students who labeled themselves as "bad at math" then after a few sessions with me, they were "good at math").<br />
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Unfortunately, this *gift* has a dark side. Being privy to another person's emotional and mental states, I am tempted to ALWAYS be a light in the other person's life. I can get so consumed in what someone else experiences/feels/thinks, that I <span style="background-color: white;">might</span> neglect my own needs. Because I can feel their energy almost as clearly (and sometimes more clearly) than my own, it seems rational to do anything I can to help. <br />
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Fortunately, I have figured out that this is not <span style="background-color: white;">the healthiest tendency. </span> This can be downright draining. Many people have reported that when they get so overwhelmed with other people's energy, they just shut down. They have to go be by themselves for a while. While this is not <span style="background-color: white;">necessarily</span> a bad idea (it's great to be alone sometimes), requiring alone time can sometimes feel limiting. You may not want to cancel a dinner date with a potential new friend - or miss a friend's wedding.<br />
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Here are some tips that will help you preserve yourself and your gift without becoming a recluse.<br />
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<b>Use your empathic abilities on yourself first! </b><br />
As an empath, you possess special skills to feel and understand <span style="background-color: white;">nature of emotions and motivation </span>vastly and deeply. Treat yourself like you would a friend. Know what YOUR needs are. What is <span style="color: white;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;">YOUR </span>worldview and <span style="background-color: white;">how</span> is it different from those around you? What exactly do <span style="background-color: white;">YOU</span> need in this moment.<br />
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<b>Only connect to others for a limited time.</b><br />
One of my most gratifying activities is spending time with friends. I have some pretty great friends, so my time with them is typically magical. However, if I spend extended time with someone, I can easily lose myself in him/her. <span style="background-color: white;">In order to extend my hang out time</span>, I will intentionally disconnect for a couple minutes every 45min-and hour. Allowing this time to reset keeps me present in my own body and emotions and prevents me from getting too intertwined.<br />
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<b><span style="background-color: white;">Know that sometimes it</span> is okay to not connect at all. </b><br />
We were in NY<span style="background-color: white;">C</span> last week and I rode the subway a LOT. I kept feeling my energy wandering around the train. I love <span style="background-color: white;">NYC</span>, and the people who live there are so interesting to me. Howeve<span style="background-color: white;">r, </span>allowing my energy to mindlessly wander around the train car was extremely draining. Doing a quick check to scan for danger is a good idea, but anything more can cause more harm than good. <span style="background-color: white;">This</span> brings me to the next tip.<br />
<br />
<b>Be intentional. </b><br />
As an empath, you probably automatically sense others' energy fields. This is a dangerous habit! For one thing, if you don't realize what you are doing, you won't realize why your mood suddenly <span style="background-color: white;">changes (like taking</span> a turn for the worst when you are attending a seemingly nice event; <span style="background-color: white;">someone</span> going through a hard time could have brushed past you<span style="background-color: white;">).</span> Another reason <span style="background-color: white;">to be intentional</span> is that you need to conserve yourself. Whenever you use your empathic abilities on people that are not open to sharing, you will feel a drain. So instead of automatically spreading your tentacles, try to focus <span style="background-color: white;">your attention to a limited amount of specifically-chosen people </span>at a time. <span style="background-color: white;">(This may be just you!)</span><br />
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<b>Realize that each person has <span style="background-color: white;">a</span> monopoly on his/her own truth.</b> <br />
Because an empath is so clearly feeling another person's energy, it is tempting to *believe his/her own interpretation*. We, as empaths, have to keep in mind that we can only interpret what we sense through our own perspectives; we filter our inputs through the lens of our own understanding. To not realize this is very dangerous. It's dangerous to us, because we can become frustrated with the other person's life decisions. It's dangerous to the other person, because if he/she values your opinion, your voice may <span style="background-color: white;">become </span>louder than his/her own internal voice.<br />
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I hope these tips help you in your journey <span style="background-color: white;">to</span> honing your empathic gifts. Please let me know if they do, or if you have any other tips to add!<br />
<br />
P.S. I use my empathic abilities to help my clients listen to their own inner truth. In my sacred studio space, we create an energetic and interpersonal bond to allow the most beneficial energy to flow. This transformative work allows clients to see the hidden, limiting beliefs and subsequently release them! If this sounds like something that may help you on your journey, send me a quick email to <span style="background-color: white;">schedule a session</span>: ayanared <at> gmail <dot> com. Also you can view my website for more information: <a href="http://ayanared.com/">ayanared.com</a><br />
<br />
Love and Light.<br />
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<!--StartFragment--><!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-7600116555336575022015-06-20T21:04:00.002-07:002015-06-20T21:04:25.852-07:00Healing and Wholeness.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir1vWH42ANFXjc7LfPxmNce_S2cipHiEma3VZWtkcMPvJtdT6RHUPwWl4vs8MbyvfALQJepWtNsYtlsjywy4Q6MSNTvHQljK0o0pBQL9u0dkElCkBSJf-ztqbR23WNIj0G97GxrDzn6hY/s1600/healing_and_wholeness.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir1vWH42ANFXjc7LfPxmNce_S2cipHiEma3VZWtkcMPvJtdT6RHUPwWl4vs8MbyvfALQJepWtNsYtlsjywy4Q6MSNTvHQljK0o0pBQL9u0dkElCkBSJf-ztqbR23WNIj0G97GxrDzn6hY/s400/healing_and_wholeness.JPG" width="300" /></a></div>
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Wholeness-John-Sanford/dp/0809120445/ref=la_B001H6MOD2_1_12?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1434857786&sr=1-12"><br />Healing and Wholeness by John A. Sanford</a><br />
<br />
I REALLY need to tell you about this book. <br />
<br />
I would say that it has changed my life, however the contents in the book changed my life before I even picked up the book from the free shelf at the library. What this book has done is explain to me what I already know about my s<br />
piritual growth in terms that are definable.<br />
<br />
You see, although this book was written decades before <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deepak_Chopra">Deepak Chopra</a> became a household name, he describes almost everything I learned from Deepak's book: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Shadow-Effect-Illuminating-Hidden-Power/dp/0061962643/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1434858496&sr=8-1&keywords=the+shadow+effect&pebp=1434858507713&perid=1QGAN853RPQE0SYKNF5K">The Shadow Effect.</a><br />
<br />
The main reason I am in love with this book is because it gives me the terminology to express the Shadow in terms that are definable. Although I am grateful for the popularity of New Age philosophy and its loose terminology, the wording, unfortunately does not lend itself to be understood by extremely rational and sometimes skeptical minds (i.e. my husband).<br />
<br />
Health and Wholeness explains spiritual development with psychology. The author, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_A._Sanford">John A. Sanford</a> was a Jungian Psychologist as well as an Episcopal Priest. His premise is that in order to be healthy, one must be whole (more specifically on the path to wholeness because one can never reach complete wholeness in a lifetime). He also makes a great point, saying society cannot be the entity that determines if someone is healthy/whole, because society itself may be sick. Therefore, statements like "He is well-adjusted." does not say anything about one's health. <br />
<br />
Neither is "peace of mind" a measure of health. The transition to wholeness requires discomfort and uneasiness. And for spiritual healers, it requires extreme discomfort and unease - sometimes life-threateningly so. <br />
<br />
Here are a few quotes from the book I'd like to share:<br />
<span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #666666;">"The center of consciousness is the <i>ego</i>, the "I" part of us that does the willing, suffering, choosing in life; the part of us which we are most immediately aware"</span>. pg 5</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #666666;">"For psychological healing to occur there must be a relationship between the ego and the forces of the unconscious. This relationship is achieved primarily through becoming conscious of the contents of the unconscious."</span> pg. 93</div>
<br />
<span style="color: #666666;">"Thus wholeness results in the reorganization of the personality on a higher, more developed level. Since this kind of growth can never be achieved without the death of the old state of consciousness, there is inevitably, in every instance in which someone begins to become whole, a considerable measure of pain and suffering"</span> pg.93<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #666666;">"We find ourselves rejecting the unconscious as the origin of dark things, especially if we possess a one-sided Christian consciousness that insists upon absolute goodness, and cannot tolerate the ambiguous and paradoxical side to wholeness"</span> pg. 101<br />
<br />
As you can see, this book is an absolute gem. I plan to read it a couple more times. P.S. <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Wholeness-John-Sanford/dp/0809120445/ref=la_B001H6MOD2_1_12?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1434857786&sr=1-12">You can get it from Amazon for 1 penny (plus 3.99 shipping)</a>! <- I am not making any money off of this link. I just think it's great. <3.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-74580224402975025352014-11-27T19:04:00.000-08:002014-11-27T20:16:06.637-08:00Thankful, Thankful!It's Thanksgiving so I would like to mention some things in my life that are going pretty amazingly right now. <br />
<br />
1.) I did a powerful meditation on a Friday night on attracting wealth. I got the skin prickles and everything! The very next day, I had a tutoring client that needed me for 8+hours! She paid me more than I have ever made in a day and she was SO grateful, she kept apologizing for not being able to give me more!<br />
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2.) My kids are getting a lot easier! The older they get, the easier it is! I believe our no (or very, very minimal) T.V. rule has helped here. I'm sure the fact that they have a clearly defined work area has helped as well. It is really easy for them to just sit and work quietly on their own. Also, the longer you parent, the more you learn about parenting (your own children, of course). <br />
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3.) I am learning French. It is really hard but I love that I am actually putting in the discipline and hard work - and I can see the benefits of it! I typically have the pattern of starting something... then starting something ELSE before I'm done with the previous thing. I love to change with the wind... I read somewhere that this pattern is a recipe for never reaching your goals. Discipline is key. I love that I am learning it (and French at the same time!). <br />
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<br />
4.) For as long as I can remember, I struggled with allowing other people's opinions of me define how I see myself. If someone was angry with me - I would beat myself up about it. This year, I have been working on NOT doing that. I've FINALLY developed the magical ability to separate myself from other people's *stuff*. It is RIDICULOUSLY freeing! I need to write a blog post on that...<br />
<br />
5.) Because of the above, I am able to be more of myself! It is super uncomfortable to shrink myself in order to fit into what makes others feel comfortable... So happy I don't have to do that anymore! Of course I do not want people to feel uncomfortable - and I would never knowingly offend someone. However, I have realized that their discomfort typically has nothing to do with me. ;).<br />
<br />
And I that is it for now!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-36240793562841064272014-11-21T10:28:00.001-08:002014-11-21T10:28:11.918-08:00Magic.Last night, my friend came over for a Reiki session - and it was magical. Honestly, every session is pretty amazing. But when there is a personal AND spiritual connection to the person I'm working on (also lots and lots of openness and transparency), minds are blown. It's like I get an energy session, too!<br />
<br />
Even though I haven't talked to her in a few weeks - we are experiencing a lot of similar things in our spiritual lives. It was incredibly insightful to compare notes.<br />
<br />
Not to mention how validating it feels to have visuals during the session that coincide with her visuals! So many "wow" moments last night.<br />
<br />
Love.This.Journey. <3<br />
<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-84724427079021345202014-11-19T21:45:00.000-08:002014-11-19T21:45:07.384-08:00I do anything I want.Once upon a time, I lived by very strict rules. I would only do things that matter. I would NOT be superficial enough to shop at a mall. "Ugh". I would not waste time on frivolous dreams. And I would NOT at all wear lipstick. <br />
<br />
Well, things have changed. I have a new mantra (borrowed from my friend Narinder): "I can do anything I want to do".<br />
<br />
I shopped for black patent-leather pumps at a mall. I wore red lipstick at my best friend's birthday dinner. ANDDDDDD I am learning French. I have this fantasy of sitting on a beautiful beach in the south of France, reading a French novel and talking to the locals in their native tongue in a black bikini. Right now, it is just a fantasy. As I am barely able to say a sentence besides "Comment ca va?" But I am TOTALLY working on it. And by this time next year, I hope to be speaking fluent French and planning a vacation in France... or at least Quebec!<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik9k_1yuCHFVvbyef1Yfvokj7DfVlvdWZQwtfUUDL8xKXnaLyjRMktLyIne0Gge0zY_y4_FVxQRJSacMX1eGvITDzEmmjv8uZLFvHALANeab6i4NnLXXBdumnmtDZxoAcR7DZe1neaNKU/s1600/2014-11-15+18.03.59.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik9k_1yuCHFVvbyef1Yfvokj7DfVlvdWZQwtfUUDL8xKXnaLyjRMktLyIne0Gge0zY_y4_FVxQRJSacMX1eGvITDzEmmjv8uZLFvHALANeab6i4NnLXXBdumnmtDZxoAcR7DZe1neaNKU/s1600/2014-11-15+18.03.59.png" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Red Lips!</td></tr>
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It is super tempting to put yourself in a box by believing things like: "I'm not the kind of person that does this, or I am the kind of person that does that". But that box will eventually stop you from living life to the fullest... not to mention creating blocks and shadows (which will cause you to do things that hurt yourself and others). <br />
<br />
Be free. Live fully.<br />
<br />
Love and Light <3!<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-63833423629191683012014-11-18T18:01:00.002-08:002014-11-18T18:01:19.825-08:00Love + Acceptance
<br />
I was rejected today. Well, not really. Someone said something that
triggered the rejection emotion - which, in my case is a BIG emotion. I was
sobbing, ruining my make-up and everything.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
"That's why nobody likes you" my brother used so say.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
"That's why nobody likes you" is chanted over and over in my head
just below my consciousness.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
Two things about this statement.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
1.) That no one likes me.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
2.) (and this is the worst of the two) That there is an intrinsically, unlikeable
quality I possess that prevents love and acceptance.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
So, I have developed methods to neutralize this quality… Some of them
healthier than others. A few examples include: trying to be as attractive as
possible, making really good grades, and constantly monitoring all interactions
to gauge if I am deemed acceptable by the other party.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
Today, I was found *unacceptable* by my gauge, which triggered a plethora of
tears and wrenching emotions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
Perhaps it was because I have a new ability to look deeper within.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or perhaps it was because I had the words
*loved* and *accepted* on my alter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Whatever the reason, I was able to stop in the middle of my wails and
listen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really listened. That’s when I
heard the chanting so clearly. And I saw myself as a little girl, wanting
acceptance and love – and all the insecure feelings came to the surface – and I
cried some more. Then I gave that little girl some love.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
And THEN I was good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-54470678880932120012014-04-13T20:37:00.004-07:002014-04-13T20:37:55.571-07:00I quit my job last month...<div class="p1">
I quit my easy, fun job whose pay was not too bad that fit perfectly into my schedule. I worked 6-11pm a few nights out of the week. So, my husband was home by the time it was time for me to leave to go to work. Also, we were on the quarter system so every 12 weeks, I could decide to work more or less.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
It was hard to quit. Not just because of the above reasons. It was hard because my bosses kept asking me to stay. The big boss literally asked me if he needed to beg. Then he threatened to start a petition. My students also asked several times for me to stay “just until they graduated”. I know it seems like I am bragging – but I am totally being honest. I have never been so appreciated at a job before. There are some great people there. (If you are in the Atlanta area with an electrical engineering degree and are looking for a part-time gig, send me your resume!)</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I know what you are thinking. Why would you quit? All these people out here looking for a good job and you just up and leave yours????</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
There are a few reasons. The first reason is because I want to focus on my Holistic Energy business. Also, my son did not like me to go to work at night. He hated that I had to leave before dinner and he did not get to see me until the next day. </div>
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The main reason, though is because I want to be authentic in everything I do. I worked at one of those night schools were the curriculum is very scripted and the students' workload is very heavy. The curriculum is developed for all the campuses across the nation and leaves very little room for adaptability. Anyone who teaches knows that it is impossible to implement a scripted curriculum while still maintaining a connection to the class. Everyone learns at different rates and in different ways. So, the expectations (in my opinion) were a bit ridiculous. I was a lot more laid back than I was supposed to be. We *may* or may not have missed a few required quizzes. We *may* have spent more than 50% of the class time talking about how to live a happier life + removing blocks (the former depends on the latter, by the way). I *may* have even done some energy work on a couple of students who were having a really hard time. All these things NOT being a part of my job description.</div>
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<div class="p1">
I was always paranoid that my boss would come in and *catch me* not doing what I was “supposed to be doing”. When in my heart, that WAS what I was supposed to be doing. My students needed that. The conflict, though, was eating me up. So, I told them I had to leave.</div>
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<br />
<div class="p1">
My kids are definitely much happier I’m home. My husband is, too. The money helped a lot with our financial obligations, but there is nothing like mama being home for dinner, ya know?</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-11317782321533230382014-04-12T19:33:00.000-07:002014-04-14T15:04:10.706-07:00We decided to live with another family.<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-81A5vVNwh1F0mZBeyKMmpK40OxBf49lsgQ7YVXC78dcUMLrMzegbLM3FEaK34O3C2yRg9G3wW0jWqTxTu3UmS8OG7SwCDAPlq9S4C3s97IcPCU8NqN868N-RZwioi18yIZdowyD6Rgo/s1600/family.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-81A5vVNwh1F0mZBeyKMmpK40OxBf49lsgQ7YVXC78dcUMLrMzegbLM3FEaK34O3C2yRg9G3wW0jWqTxTu3UmS8OG7SwCDAPlq9S4C3s97IcPCU8NqN868N-RZwioi18yIZdowyD6Rgo/s1600/family.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">family one</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
A couple of months ago, I got a group text message from my friend, Kisha saying: "<i>Do you know anyone interested in house-sharing? We are looking to house-share with another family</i>."<br />
My head spun! I had never even HEARD of house-sharing - but I immediately sent her a message back saying: "We may be! Call me when you can".<br />
<br />
I met Kisha at the farmer's market a couple of years ago. It was around the time I was first considering homeschooling. As soon as I saw her amazing free-form locs and her kids getting excited over dried figs, I knew they lived an alternative lifestyle. I approached her and randomly asked her if she homeschooled, and she said "Why, yes I do". And we became friends!<br />
<br />
Our communication was mostly through text because she didn't live very close and her kids were on a different schedule than mine. But whenever we talked, we got along really well and realized we have a lot in common. <br />
<br />
During the call about house-sharing, Kisha and I set up a meeting so that the families could meet and see the house. The days leading up to the meeting, I was convinced it wouldn't work out. I mean, how could it really? Married people can barely live together! And wasn't it so <i>weird </i>to have 4 adults living together? I didn't want to cancel. I figured when they came, it would be clear to everyone that it wasn't a good idea. Well, I was wrong. Just the opposite was the case.<br />
<br />
Our family dynamics matched very well. We had similar goals (getting out of debt); the kids were excited, and they all liked the space. Also (most importantly) Kisha and her husband are some of the nicest people you will ever meet. They are extremely considerate and generous. They are the kind of people that you just *want* to do stuff for. We actually asked for<i> less</i> rent than what they offered! <br />
<br />
They moved in about a month ago and it was definitely a great decision for us. I can't tell you how amazing it is to have two moms in the same house. One day I was super burned out. I hadn't eaten and my kids were... you know, being kids. I was so hungry, I was HANGRY. I was so HANGRY, I didn't want to make myself anything to eat. Kisha took one look at me, and said "You need to eat something." Then she proceeded to make me the BEST peanut butter and jelly sandwich I have ever had. <br />
<br />
First, she toasted the super fresh bread in some super fresh organic coconut oil. Then she spread on peanut butter made from freshly ground peanuts, sprinkled it with a dash of salt, then she added the jelly. She doesn't use regular jelly - she used strawberry butter . It is really smooth. She then mixes the peanut butter and strawberry butter together ON the bread! Every single bite is a perfect blend of bread, peanut butter, and jelly. YUM!<br />
<br />
If you are in a tight financial bind, I must say it is SO worth trying to houseshare.<br />
<br />
<b>Here are some of the benefits:</b><br />
<br />
1.) Kids have playmates all the time. Zeke and Anaya are pretty extroverted, so company is ALWAYS welcome in their eyes. They are way more likely, now, to play outside for extended periods of time. Also, with that many kids, the things they come up with are hilarious and amazing. At one point, they were all digging a hole under the deck while it was pouring rain, claiming they were *making* clay.<br />
<br />
2.) *I* have someone to talk to all the time! We share a lot of the same spiritual beliefs, so we always have something to talk about.<br />
<br />
3.) Her food is AMAZING. It is obvious that she pours her heart into all her food (and maybe even the kitchen, because I swear, MY food taste better since she's been here). Also, she has great tips on cooking - so maybe that accounts for the better tasting food...<br />
<br />
3.) It's really easy to share babysitting duties with 4 adults in the house.<br />
<br />
4.) We are all saving lots on bills!<br />
<br />
5.) I have less crap. Sharing space forces you to be more efficient with your things.<br />
<br />
<b>There are a few things that make sharing space less than ideal. Some of them include:</b><br />
<br />
1.) Less space. Yes, I am more efficient with the space that I have now. But still. <br />
<br />
2.) I have to always clean up after myself. I am more of a clean-up-when-I-feel-like-it type of housekeeper. Unfortunately, that is not the most considerate quality in a housemate situation.<br />
<br />
3.) We have different parenting styles. My husband and my goal in parenting and education is a lot more emotionally-conscious and less traditional than most people. <a href="http://www.alfiekohn.org/up/content/excerpt.asp">We try really hard not use shame (OR praise) to manipulate our children to do things</a>. We want to train our children to use their own moral compass instead of being motivated to earn our approval (or avoid our anger). While Kisha does not use corporal punishment (if she did, we would not be able to house-share), she definitely uses a more traditional style of parenting. <br />
<br />
4.) I can't wear booty-shorts around the house. Or have loud *discussions* with my husband or any other thing that I probably wouldn't do in public.<br />
<br />
All in all, though, it was a great decision for us. We have an agreement try it for at least 6 months. So, in October, we will all revisit the situation and see if we want to continue. Even if we decide to part ways then, I am really happy I didn't cancel that meeting! <br />
<br />
<a href="http://effywild.com/2014/04/12/blog-along-day-twelve-wild-free/">This post was added to Effy's Blog Along!</a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-85264782738923491092014-01-07T07:27:00.000-08:002014-01-07T07:27:02.890-08:00Removing Blocks<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ-603EeIySi_QQLjQ5uyG-tZl_j3AEW_sV8sp6ZjIXya35aR8dS3ggUGQJUUmvR7-oJwGmuHJTBy5YhR8DaA7dOLmxP3j-fra5vmujMkd3iB1MXVMGDNUKoBUFTDzneuKKHCCyVxqrdM/s1600/20131205_152305.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ-603EeIySi_QQLjQ5uyG-tZl_j3AEW_sV8sp6ZjIXya35aR8dS3ggUGQJUUmvR7-oJwGmuHJTBy5YhR8DaA7dOLmxP3j-fra5vmujMkd3iB1MXVMGDNUKoBUFTDzneuKKHCCyVxqrdM/s1600/20131205_152305.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Journaling in a hand-bound book.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The hardest thing about the process is knowing what they are when they come up.<br />
<br />
In my experience, a block doesn't come up all nice and clean, revealing it's true identity. It comes up from the ego, disguised as someone ELSE's problem. Oftentimes, it's my husband's.<br />
<br />
For example, E <strike>is</strike> was giving me an informal course in Programming 2, a class that I dropped in college and always think about going back and retaking. <br />
<br />
He very good at keeping a lot of data in his head and processing it. He rarely has to write things down in order to understand them. So, this is the way he teaches. Unfortunately, this is not at all the way I learn. My attention goes in and out from minute to minute - and I may miss whole paragraphs focusing on something else like, the tone of his voice or what I am going to cook for dinner. I am very much a visual learner. If it's written down, I can just look at it in my own time, regardless of how often my attention weans and waxes...<br />
<br />
So, the other night, I get EXTREMELY irritated while he is teaching me command line syntax. HOW does he expect me to keep ALL that in my head without writing it down???? What kind of person does not write things they are explaining, ANYWAY? <br />
<br />
I get SO angry at him, I tell him: forget it. I can't take his *class* and storm off.<br />
<br />
After I am by myself, I am still fuming. This is definitely a block, I know. Because it is *my* block, it is hard for me to see it for what it really is. My ego HATES being exposed. So, I have to get to work. I journal. I meditate. I try to let go of all of my current thoughts about the situation. And I hear a small voice (figuratively!). <br />
<br />
It says: "You must be stupid. Something is wrong with the way you think." Ha! This is it! Obviously, I am not stupid. But, clearly, this is a deep seated fear that I have. This is why I got SO angry with E's teaching *style*. Some time ago, I was taught that if I didn't understand things quickly, then I must not be *good* at it.<br />
<br />
<i>Side note: This is the way, unfortunately the way most of our children are taught in school and at home. They are praised for learning something quickly - and are not praised for struggling through material. They learn that they are *good* at something that is easy. And that the opposite must be the case: they are *bad* at something they struggle with. So, they learn to hate struggle. Praise, itself, is the problem... but that is another blog post.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I go back to that *lesson* and retrain myself. I tell myself that it is okay to have a different learning style. It is okay to struggle with material. This says nothing of my value. I am enough. I know enough. And the block is removed. <br />
<br />
Unfortunately, sometimes, for whatever reason the last step isn't entirely successful. Sometimes, I may have the same block come up, multiple times. Sometimes multiple blocks come up at the same time, making identification extremely complex. But I know that they will come up, naturally. And I will continue to retrain myself.<br />
<br />
Since my breakTHROUGH, I have been seeing blocks left and right. They come up several times a day. It's pretty intense. Sometimes, I have to excuse myself at awkward times to deal with them. But I know that this is the key to *curing* my depression and reaching spiritual enlightenment. So, I don't mind at all :).<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-19105637748169998572014-01-06T09:19:00.000-08:002014-01-06T09:56:25.029-08:00I had a *productive* conversation with my higher self. This is big news since I have had a torrid relationship with myself for a very long time.<br />
<br />
I went to a meditation once, and in it we met with one of our spirit guides. Mine was a skinny guy with long robes and a jolly disposition. <br />
<br />
Another participant told us she saw herSELF as her spirit guide. The leader of the meditation was impressed. I was appalled. Why in the world would I want to meet ME in a meditation? Gross. <br />
<br />
When I think of myself, I think of this argumentative, unattractive, know-it-all, transparent, WEIRDO who feels the incomprehensible need to share all her vulnerabilities. WHO in their right mind would want to meet HER in a meditation? Not me, for sure.<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH55tGU3Sl6OX3qXMuYPuBp_1STWJFlx_gFDHu4ZkA9QbJreg3c4-xyI0AHRlSEpudHVSLkRLe7Z_Rz5T4yfdxIcwgzcWdv7ue4YGZCgtO0jgtk9woS1vx4ni1xH7qoEHvxuOPcZO_qkg/s1600/YannaMeditate2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH55tGU3Sl6OX3qXMuYPuBp_1STWJFlx_gFDHu4ZkA9QbJreg3c4-xyI0AHRlSEpudHVSLkRLe7Z_Rz5T4yfdxIcwgzcWdv7ue4YGZCgtO0jgtk9woS1vx4ni1xH7qoEHvxuOPcZO_qkg/s1600/YannaMeditate2.jpg" height="320" width="319" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Meditating in the backyard. My brother came out and<br />
took this picture.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I have been successfully avoiding her for most of my life. However, when I had my recent breakdown - she came front and center. Having learned how my shadows appear, I knew this was something I couldn't avoid much longer. <br />
<br />
So I invited her into a conversation during a meditation. While I am laying in bed with my daughter to help her go to sleep, I often go into a meditation. This helps my daughter go to sleep - and it guarantees I make time to meditate.<br />
<br />
In the meditation, I saw her big and floating above me. Smug. I was smashed down in the shape of a suitcase, in a box that could fit me and another few suitcases. <br />
<br />
I asked her, "Why do I hate you?"<br />
She responds, "You don't hate me, you are afraid of me..."<br />
She continues, "You know I won't fit in that little pathetic suitcase carrier. Once you become me, you will burst out of there and you will NOT fit in where you have been trying to fit in your whole life. Some people will not like you. Some people will not approve of you. Some people will be afraid of you. You have been afraid of that."<br />
<br />
I get the familiar tingles that tell me she is telling the truth. And I immediately realize THIS is what was trying to come up! <a href="http://wildmoonrising.blogspot.com/2014/01/suicide.html">THIS was the source of my depression</a>. My higher self has been trying to get my attention, but I have been ignoring her.<br />
<br />
"Okay, Okay. WHAT should I do to get out of here?" I ask her. <br />
She tells me, "Just get up. There is nothing holding you. You think there are strings but they are not there."<br />
<br />
I look with one eye (because my other eye is strangely covered by some other part of my body in this ridiculous contortion) and sure enough, where it seemed to be strings tying me down, there were none. Just my imagination. <br />
<br />
Amazing, right?<br />
<br />
Since then, I have been constantly making an effort to get up and out. Currently, I think I am sitting on the edge of the container. Still wanting to be liked/loved by those I respect - but not quite willing to contort myself to be that.<br />
<br />
One of these days, hopefully, I will be completely OUT and away from the box of acceptance and conformity. I will realize that I am safer out than in. That my own love and acceptance is more than enough to sustain me. And I will be big, and floating, and fully, and completely ME.<br />
<br />
That will be awesome. :).Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-58420303520789028302014-01-05T21:44:00.000-08:002014-01-06T09:40:28.815-08:00Suicide<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLy_MUD0SqwOxDN-uwMZXU_3pNrdLCWCCgx58k9HVeO4lhd7-IYNXP8C05Dsz2ejiD0NDeuBF_NNIgFXShabBcU8xEYKo5ts1Yon8rX24H_9AqC79PnZ_SaTh40oJKT90-r0bznzKpxyM/s1600/20130904_112216.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLy_MUD0SqwOxDN-uwMZXU_3pNrdLCWCCgx58k9HVeO4lhd7-IYNXP8C05Dsz2ejiD0NDeuBF_NNIgFXShabBcU8xEYKo5ts1Yon8rX24H_9AqC79PnZ_SaTh40oJKT90-r0bznzKpxyM/s1600/20130904_112216.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Meditation Pillow</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I almost killed myself last month. Seriously.<br />
<br />
It all started in November at my book club. My book club, by the way, is made up of some of the most AMAZING women I have ever met. My friend, who happens to be an intuitive healer, talked a little about her spiritual journey. She talked of some Kundalini exercise - where if you do it a certain ridiculous number of times, you will get a major spiritual experience. Of course, I promptly started to practice it. She told me that I should NOT do it. She said that there was a good chance I wouldn't be able to handle it. I was like: "PSHHHH! You think that is going to stop me? I am TOTALLY doing it!" <br />
<br />
This spiritual journey is so SLOW going. I want to be THERE already! I want all my blocks to be gone. I want to be able to communicate with my spirit guides. I want to be able to listen to my intuition! I want to feel energy!<br />
<br />
<br />
SO, I did the exercise. I did it that night. I did it the next morning. I tried to google how to do it properly, but without the name of it- google couldn't help me. (If you are curious, the exercise involves doing kegels, tightening your butt muscles, and pulling up your stomach muscles at the same time.)<br />
<br />
However, as the universe would have it, there was a full moon that next night and I happened to have a Full Moon Kundalini yoga class! And would you believe that we did THAT very exercise for most of the session. I did not have an experience that night - nor the next.<br />
<br />
But when my moon time came around again in December (which happened to be the 21st anniversary of my monthly cycle), I was a WRECK. Now, let me tell you, depression is no stranger to me. I experience it pretty much every month with my period. I get sad or mad or just irritable. I go off in anger, or I may cry at nothing. I have recently learned that I get depressed when blocks are trying to surface, but I push them down. I have been getting some energy work done <a href="https://www.facebook.com/LeahTioxon.Reiki">(mostly Reiki)</a> to help me release them. And it works really well.<br />
<br />
But THIS? This was no ordinary depression. This was "I can't move my legs" depression. This was "I can't even TALK" depression. If you compare my normal monthly depression to cramps, then this would be labor pains. It was UNBEARABLE I remember my kids looking at me, trying to talk to me - and I literally could not speak. Anaya (my two year old) would wipe away my tears saying "Sorry, mommy". Because that is what she says when someone is hurt. And BOY was I hurting.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKeNb_WMvJZcknACpDsJgeEJGnXy7xumYichH8_92u9R4XXiiB-WG3w-q1m6iTzxJO40DjqTEd1mAmMowjgCHNPcFmv_Lm5LipSX6d7rBYII0P1IdEwRzscNBGBREkKuVryzO1-REReGs/s1600/20131228_112641.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKeNb_WMvJZcknACpDsJgeEJGnXy7xumYichH8_92u9R4XXiiB-WG3w-q1m6iTzxJO40DjqTEd1mAmMowjgCHNPcFmv_Lm5LipSX6d7rBYII0P1IdEwRzscNBGBREkKuVryzO1-REReGs/s1600/20131228_112641.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Can you believe I almost LEFT them???</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I got energy work done several times, but it wouldn't last.<br />
<br />
I hit rock bottom on December 17. I left my house in a RAGE after arguing with my husband. It was super cold, I did not have a jacket, and I live in the hood (I am usually too scared to run down the street in the daylight). However, it was well past midnight and I just COULD NOT be in the house with him anymore. He chased after me and brought me back in (my kids were staying with grandparents). I remember looking up in my psychotic state and seeing the full moon, and thinking "Is this real?" Because people going crazy on the full moon is SUCH a cliche...<br />
<br />
Anyway, I wanted to DIE. So, I started thinking of ways that I could do it. <br />
<br />
1.) Gun? No, too messy: I didn't want my family to find me dead AND bloody.<br />
2.) Hanging? Do you know how hard it is to find something in the ceiling that can support your weight? Really, Really hard. Also, it will hurt. I yanked something around my neck to test it. Umm, no - I am trying to <i>alleviate</i> pain, thank you very much.<br />
3.) Jumping off something really high. That is just for people wanting attention. I am not trying to hold up traffic.<br />
4.) Finally, I had an epiphany! I could die from car exhaust! It was such a calm and clean way of dying. People die from that without even knowing! And no blood!<br />
<br />
Once I figured out a way, I had to figure out when. I knew I couldn't do it with my family home. I didn't want them to die, too. So, maybe the next time I took the kids to school and my husband was at work, I could just come home and do it.<br />
<br />
When I had that thought, I knew it was only a matter of time. I knew that it would mess my family and friends up. I have heard the stories of people's lives after someone close to them committed suicide. It would be AWFUL. But at the same time, I was tired... so very tired. It was like being sleepy on the road at night. You don't want to fall asleep - but it's inevitable...<br />
<br />
So, I told my mom. She TOTALLY (understandably) freaked out. Almost had me committed. But the hospital would have definitely forced me to take drugs. In the back (waaaaay back) of my mind I knew that I had asked for this. I had BEGGED for a breakthrough. I just didn't know I would have to have a breakDOWN first. So, I agreed to stay by my husband's side until I could see a therapist.<br />
<br />
By the way, it is extremely hard to get help for people wanting to commit suicide. I called the national suicide hotline number and they had me on hold for several minutes (both times I called) - so I hung up. I called every therapist I could find online and NO one was available. My husband took me to a mental hospital for emergency care - but my only options were to either 1.) commit myself for at least 3 days or 2.) the doctor would commit me for as long as deemed necessary. So, I didn't even fill out the paperwork.<br />
<br />
I DID finally have my *spiritual* experience. During one morning after all the drama, E and I were eating at the Flying Biscuit and I had the epiphany: "I need to stop judging my thoughts". In Christianity, I was taught to "guard my thoughts, guard my heart". I was taught that even a bad thought was a sin - so to prevent myself from *sinning*, I judged all my thoughts harshly. Does this thought lead to success? Is this a good thought? Is this a bad one? How could I EVER listen to my intuition if I never shut up the guard dog that was constantly barking????? Duh!<br />
<br />
I felt like my crown chakra opened all the way and like I was floating for about 5 minutes. It was pretty awesome. Not the fireworks I was expecting, but pretty memorable, anyway. After that, I have been finding and pulling up blocks left and right. AND I had a very productive conversation with my higher self. <a href="http://wildmoonrising.blogspot.com/2014/01/i-had-productive-conversation-with-my.html">(more on that here!)</a><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Also, one of the moms at my kids' school is a psychotherapist. And she got me in contact with another psychotherapist (actually, several - but I picked Greta because she is a life coach and she is close!). It has been working out great. Greta is not fully convinced that I have *cured* my depression. But I am not worried at all. I am sure I will get sad or mad or irritable again (I have already, actually). I still have plenty of blocks, I'm sure. However, now I have tools to help me navigate them- before they get pushed down and turn into depression.<br />
<br />
I finally feel like my head is clear(er). It's almost like I had a cloud over my head for my entire life, and now it's dispersed! What a wonderful, FREEING feeling! And without medication! <br />
<br />
What if everyone with depression really just had blocks that need to be removed...?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-26190256740401737512013-09-05T22:11:00.000-07:002013-09-05T22:11:13.573-07:00A pretty bad "Mom day"Actually, I think I had the worst *mom* day in the history of all my bad mom days. It didn't start out that way, let me tell you...<br />
<br />
I woke up to a bazillion (okay - maybe 10... or 5) compliments on my new profile picture on facebook and instagram... yesss.... I made the kids breakfast (the best kind for kids: high protein, high fat)...yesss... I made a similar lunch for them to take to school - I even remembered to pack Anaya an apple because they make applesauce in her class on Thursdays. Pat's self on the back.<br />
<br />
I got them to school on time - even got a chance to chat it up with a few moms. Awesomeeeee.<br />
<br />
Went home, did a little meditating in my sacred space.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJP0-jkMZ7v7srYQM-AmeCtqVVeztq49gQNj2AmgajDZ4zR2VaauwHiilvLmyKRUICov8Upztt-Er2mTOmqXEAH0nAZk_VZavoo03Mx_0jlKil1UOAVmrABXOSu-RUJ7IJSSXu3SN6d8/s1600/sacred+space.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJP0-jkMZ7v7srYQM-AmeCtqVVeztq49gQNj2AmgajDZ4zR2VaauwHiilvLmyKRUICov8Upztt-Er2mTOmqXEAH0nAZk_VZavoo03Mx_0jlKil1UOAVmrABXOSu-RUJ7IJSSXu3SN6d8/s320/sacred+space.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Meditating works out better when they are sleeping or at school.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Did some sketches in my art journal outside on my back porch.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRrdvvN4Yj-fDKGnQWMR3vgz2JFACxBXo8HvrX9CQoYV-ARbXRv9NDblT4KGWWQlMbzG7jyTkZCXHp9ftbLr-rI-52fijK9jbtH52Bxdd9BFXwYigXkMtuJH4dbAFg2OJRU60p4-BJnmk/s1600/art+journal+sketch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRrdvvN4Yj-fDKGnQWMR3vgz2JFACxBXo8HvrX9CQoYV-ARbXRv9NDblT4KGWWQlMbzG7jyTkZCXHp9ftbLr-rI-52fijK9jbtH52Bxdd9BFXwYigXkMtuJH4dbAFg2OJRU60p4-BJnmk/s320/art+journal+sketch.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Journaled in my daily journal...<br />
<br />
I was Totally feeling myself. <br />
<br />
Must be the New Moon, I told myself.<br />
<br />
THEN it was time to get my kids. I admit - I was not very positive about this. For good reason... This is the first week of school, so our rhythm is all the way f-ed up. I have no idea if Anaya will drop her naps - or if I should stay after school in the playgarden so Zeke can play with his classmates - which will mess with Anaya's naps - but maybe I should try to phase her out of them, anyway, so she will sleep longer at night... and if we do stay, what time we should leave?... If it were up to Zeke, it would be sometime after dark... and at what time should I start dinner? These are details that I have not figured out, yet. Unfortunately, un-figured-out, we are rhythm-less. And Zekey, who thrives on rhythm (all kids do - but Zekey more than most) - goes completely crazy without one.<br />
<br />
You may know how this story ends. We went to the playgarden, Zekey loses his mind when it is time to leave, I COMPLETELY lose my cool. (I may or may not have turned into Darth Vadar and/or hit him back when he hit and kicked me and/or weighed the benefits/pitfalls of leaving him on the side of the road). I felt terrible, afterwards. <br />
<br />
So bad, I cried. A long and ugly cry.<br />
<br />
Then, I tried to logically analyze the situation. <br />
<br />
1.) I am not good at being the mom I want to be.<br />
2.) This makes me sad.<br />
3.) Being sad makes my *goodness* at being a mom pretty nonexistant.<br />
3.) I am destined to be sad, forever...<br />
<br />
And this, dear readers, is the beginning of my depression. Fortunately, I have been storing up tools to aid me in using my depression to help become a better person. Clearly, the solution is not to follow my pure logic.<br />
<br />
I can't just BE a "better" mom by willing it. I certainly can't pretend to be super mom and just DO what I think *should* be done just because I think it is the right thing to do. I clearly have feelings that need to be dealt with - without shame. (Which creates shadow - which is how some people *actually* leave their kids on the side of the road... or blow their brains out... or both, maybe.)<br />
<br />
So, I have to look at other clues that will lead me to the *real* answer. One thing I have learned to look out for is what strong emotions I have about *other people*.<br />
<br />
And *other people* in this case was my husband. As you can imagine, I was pretty pissed at him by the time we saw him. Here he was at work all day - in his peaceful, air conditioned office. He is a super genius and his work is pretty brainy - so I am sure he got way more done than what was needed of him <i>without stress</i>. When he comes home, he does not have to worry about if the kitchen is clean enough to make dinner, or what we are having for dinner (or breakfast...or lunch), or if there is even enough groceries for either of those. Neither does he have to worry about which rhythm will be the most beneficial and efficient - and how best to implement it. So, of course he comes home in a deLIGHTful mood and I am so angry - I can't even really talk to him. Fortunately, he understood - and didn't take offense (he did, after all have the ENTIRE day to himself).<br />
<br />
Anyway, as I am analyzing my thoughts, I see him as the one that I have the strongest emotions about. Which is kinda crazy because he didn't, um, DO anything.... And then I realize that I have almost <b>no</b> compassion for him. He may not be burned out from work, but he certainly does not deserve my animosity. So, I started looking at the compassion that I was feeling for myself. <br />
<br />
ABSOLUTELY NONE. When I looked at that in my meditation, I immediately began to cry. Wow. I was RAGING against myself. What a jerkface I have been to myself! How in the world am I going to call myself a bad mom for losing my cool? How many moms lose their cool? I bet a lot of us. So, who did I think I was to never lose my cool?<br />
<br />
And here again I was - calling myself a jerkface for wanting to force myself to be a great mom.... It's a vicious cycle, I tell ya! <br />
<br />
I am now trying to give myself (and others!) the same compassion I think my kids deserve. And I encourage you to do the same! It is so hard, but let's work on it!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrowS-R-xImfGm2AwJ8uXMo8F4Yu0xBWAyUHG7fhQgP8p6pvAY78kB7zd8Dja3b_qHjrM_q95wuu87FCe7pIwKVwyo2xD9kiLYntmrCBfMiO2n_idGFQ6tns5HCgagVH8lbZZ7Ltis12I/s1600/telling+her+a+secret.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrowS-R-xImfGm2AwJ8uXMo8F4Yu0xBWAyUHG7fhQgP8p6pvAY78kB7zd8Dja3b_qHjrM_q95wuu87FCe7pIwKVwyo2xD9kiLYntmrCBfMiO2n_idGFQ6tns5HCgagVH8lbZZ7Ltis12I/s320/telling+her+a+secret.jpg" width="319" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: justify;">
Zekey telling his sister a secret. He likes me to put his hair </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
like that so that he can pretend to be Batman. She likes to wear</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
one arm out of her sleeve... They are clearly quite the fashionistas. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Who WOULDN'T want to be the best mom ever to them??</div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Love and Light,<br />
Ayana<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-22170938824772966762013-08-20T17:30:00.000-07:002013-08-20T17:30:22.461-07:00PMS makes me a better person.So, these past few weeks, I have been in a TERRIBLE mood. I have been super pissed at my husband and my kids have been driving me UP THE WALL. I got a job (which I have been trying to get for a few months now) - but I wasn't even happy about it. I was just stressed about it. Are they going to like me? Am I going to like them? Am I going to be able to *submit* to the rules (oooh, I HATE that word!)? Am I going to be able to stand missing some dinners every week with my family in order to go to work?<br />
<br />
And the more angry I got, the more ANGRY I got... I was even threatening to cancel our family trip that we have been planning for several months. It was a downward spiral. I couldn't even journal (gasp!) because I was SO angry - I was liable to tear out the pages!<br />
<br />
I was PMSing.<br />
<br />
And if you are anything like my family and friends, you are going "Oooooh. Of course. Just wait - it will pass and you will be just fine."<br />
<br />
That is what I normally do: Just let it pass. I generally chuck my PMS time as a time to ignore my emotions. But in this self-discovery journey - it is becoming clear that *extreme* emotions are not something to just ignore and wait out. <br />
<br />
Neither are my depressive episodes (some may consider a chemical imbalance). On the contrary, those extremely sensitive times are a map to pointing out things that need to be worked on. <br />
<br />
This moontime, I was being led to be grateful. <br />
<br />
Oprah's 21 day challenge has been.... a challenge to do every single day (especially while on vacation). But I did catch the gratitude meditation and BOY has it made a difference. If you just sit and think about everything in your life that you are grateful for. And not just list generic things like food, shelter, and life. But REALLY think about it them - and think about WHY you love these things. It will fill you with so much happiness, you will be about to burst.<br />
<br />
In my case, I think about each of my kids - and how funny, quirky, amazing, and beautiful they are. I think about how they look, how they walk, and the funny stuff they say. I think about my husband - and how he is (seriously) like the MOST AMAZING person EVER. He is so grounded, and patient, and giving... and just all around awesome. And then the job. The job I got is one that I could not have designed to fit my lifestyle better. It is part-time, a couple of days a week, the income is enough to significantly change our lifestyle - and the rate at which we meet our financial goals, and (most importantly) I LOVE the actual work.<br />
<br />
And doing that meditation made me so full of happiness, it felt like I won the lottery or something. <br />
<br />
So, even though my emotions were 'way off', they showed me what I needed to focus on. My family - which is the BEST thing in my life, and I was not fully appreciating them.<br />
<br />
So, I challenge you to do the same! The next time you have an extreme emotion to something, instead of just ignoring it - try to do a little self-reflection to find out what the real problem is. And even if you aren't feeling particularly grumpy, try a gratitude meditation. It is an instant mood booster.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqoJOoQNgn9kG2LzIcm1drKuRLxk4v7OvurMfrLcoJQDnoJWkv5GCEojN6nE2x_Pe3vFGXx40rutzuGS-ugBcwd-R1eKe3t4BsPSbp5IspEDPK_V0re1W3STAuUhGXyl5BcTKdng1EduM/s1600/NY+summer+2013.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqoJOoQNgn9kG2LzIcm1drKuRLxk4v7OvurMfrLcoJQDnoJWkv5GCEojN6nE2x_Pe3vFGXx40rutzuGS-ugBcwd-R1eKe3t4BsPSbp5IspEDPK_V0re1W3STAuUhGXyl5BcTKdng1EduM/s320/NY+summer+2013.JPG" width="319" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So grateful we went on the trip!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
Love and Light,<br />
AyanaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-29660637054018569942013-08-07T12:09:00.003-07:002013-08-07T19:59:36.357-07:00New Moon Intentions<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu7fZTXVx8jkGWZcRx-Pbyf5aZoDsSFrkbiXRi2Nz0aN4nD5IwhAzqBfxJ5SqPlEEXSawbrWLiU-CuzYqfO6YP0fvJVG0xCKXJyDv-mxo_dsuZiZQgZY_tY7FE6JA5ALC92N2lU8EEhjw/s1600/aug_new_moon.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="428" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu7fZTXVx8jkGWZcRx-Pbyf5aZoDsSFrkbiXRi2Nz0aN4nD5IwhAzqBfxJ5SqPlEEXSawbrWLiU-CuzYqfO6YP0fvJVG0xCKXJyDv-mxo_dsuZiZQgZY_tY7FE6JA5ALC92N2lU8EEhjw/s640/aug_new_moon.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of my favorite stones in my collection ;).</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<b>Daily Meditation</b><br />
<div>
I have been following along with the meditations with Deepak and Oprah - and it has been great. Actually, out of the 5 minutes allotted of actual meditation (the audio is about 15 minutes)- I have probably been *focusing* for about 1 minute... Okay, maybe 30 seconds. But all the reading materials say to be kind to yourself - and that the more you do it, the better you will get at it. I do feel a difference in my mood after I have meditated - so Yay! It is working. Imagine how well it will work if I am able to meditate for MORE than 30 seconds....</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Finish this book</b></div>
<div>
ALSO, I have been reading this book: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Psychic-Clairvoyant-Reading/dp/0738705926">You are Psychic by Debra Lynne Katz</a>. And it is AMAZING! Okay, so the name may put some people off - but my intentions for reading this book is NOT to become a psychic. I really just want to open up my 6th chakra (3rd eye) - and who has the clearest 3rd eye? Certainly psychics! I will actually finish this book well before the next new moon as I am already half-way through it - and I just started it yesterday. It is THAT GOOD. Seriously.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Start selling .</b></div>
<div>
This one is probably the one that is going to give me the most trouble. I cannot tell you how much anxiety I have about putting my work out there for sale. But I will do it anyway. It is my dream to have a creative career - and the only way I will be able to do it - is to just DO IT. So, I am going to start small and see what happens.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Okay. So that is what I hope to accomplish in the next 28 1/2 days! Do you set new moon intentions? It is something I started last month, and I really like it! :) So do it, do it, do it!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Love and Light</div>
<div>
Ayana</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-81600096008584111022013-08-04T14:05:00.002-07:002013-08-04T14:05:47.958-07:0021 day Meditation Challenge<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcKeSyPnxzsKViDO9rA_612V1meUoXFGND4ZJ4P4DCJSLEHGA3FF0x-tIcQvJ5epyzw2avQfE-UVd2B4tFAiXxHRUww0SzQ1lYaTlYhO7Z7wkFMduc-Niz4CIcXVigZXGnyqc4dkIVTCw/s1600/meditation_21_day.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="427" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcKeSyPnxzsKViDO9rA_612V1meUoXFGND4ZJ4P4DCJSLEHGA3FF0x-tIcQvJ5epyzw2avQfE-UVd2B4tFAiXxHRUww0SzQ1lYaTlYhO7Z7wkFMduc-Niz4CIcXVigZXGnyqc4dkIVTCw/s640/meditation_21_day.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of my many Buddha statues. Doesn't it look so peaceful just sitting there?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I have never been one to meditate. I always have to be<b><i> doing</i></b> something. Whenever I sit still my brain is bombarded with worries (oh, no, what if THIS happens?), past conversations (did I say the wrong thing?), stuff I did not do well (I need to do better!), and stuff I NEED to do (what are you doing, just sitting here when your house is SUCH a mess?). <a href="http://wildmoonrising.blogspot.com/2013/07/journals-and-journaling.html"> I told you it was dark in there.</a><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
Meditation, hopefully, will train my brain to work *correctly* and into the light. ANDDD</div>
Oprah and Deepak Chopra are hosting a <a href="https://chopracentermeditation.com/home">21 day meditation challenge that starts tomorrow</a>! My brother invited me to join and I am SO in. Hopefully, afterwards I will have developed a meditation practice that will extend well beyond the 21 days.<br />
<br />
I am so excited! Are you in? <a href="https://chopracentermeditation.com/home">Click here to sign up!</a><br />
<br />
Love and Light<br />
AyanaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-17923159876909009452013-08-03T16:51:00.001-07:002013-08-03T16:51:22.179-07:00I deserve love.I do not sell my art. I have had numerous requests for me to sell my work. However the thought of selling my art - makes me unmotivated to even MAKE art. Which is stupid - because I need money - and I make art - it's a "DUH" kinda situation. I finally decided to journal about it and, I realize what the problem is... This is going to sound really dramatic, but here goes:<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8Ty0YHCBF4LFq3I9T2FDTm7qzkOR2H4GYhm50wf6C-s6sEwvApH-ZVw7VvKRIAd-yht4ql04jACtbzdPEjbyoMWZUd817pe63_7DD2qznEMMYjTNzpPTNo98amFYYVIVX3C0uDRiWvNU/s1600/You+deserve+love.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8Ty0YHCBF4LFq3I9T2FDTm7qzkOR2H4GYhm50wf6C-s6sEwvApH-ZVw7VvKRIAd-yht4ql04jACtbzdPEjbyoMWZUd817pe63_7DD2qznEMMYjTNzpPTNo98amFYYVIVX3C0uDRiWvNU/s400/You+deserve+love.jpg" width="343" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Post Cards I had printed, but have been too afraid to sell :/</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
People buy art because they love the artist behind the art and....<b>I feel like I don't deserve love.</b><br />
<br />
I know, I know. You guys are like: "She is sooooo over the top". <- That is what I think about myself. That is also probably why I haven't been dealing with these issues until recently. Fortunately, journaling forces me to write down my *real* thoughts - no matter how illogical or frivolous. The more I journal, the more I am able to uncensor myself and the REAL truth comes out automatically. (Have I convinced you to start journaling, yet? Say Yes!)<br />
<br />
(I don't want to make this a Christian bashing blog but, that is where most of my shadows originate.) My Christian upbringing taught me that man is *inherently* evil - that we are born deserving hell and the only way to get into God's good graces is to become a Christian. Then, like magic, we are pure and clean.<br />
<br />
I am sure that this belief system makes some Christians feel *safe* and *good*. Unfortunately, it makes me feel undeserving and bad and.... dirty. And if I am bad, the kind of bad that deserves eternal torture in the fiery pits of hell, then CLEARLY I do not deserve love.<br />
<br />
Which is crazy. Obviously, everyone deserves love - and those who get the least of it become the source of the *worst* acts in society. <br />
<br />
So, from here on out, my mantra is going to be: "I deserve love". Because I do! And so do you ;).<br />
<br />
Love and Light<br />
<br />
Ayana<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-72870578248250640532013-08-01T18:53:00.000-07:002013-08-29T13:57:43.206-07:00Why I twerk...I have a problem with hood music. And when I say "problem", I mean I have to dance as hard and fast as I can whenever the most degrading-to-women song comes on. You may even find me popping splits or feet up on the wall - in a semi-handstand, shaking my booty. <br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCjGGhk3_lLxdiBOiU9_4CYJdEswiswSl2LTSRqR4NNDz7BZ-7SjJoI9RNtVWUE0KN7fo-VIvN-Jnq6rz7DeHH5FuuMXfeApgkwskccDOJqV2p8irBKqiEAq23GdzwS1-S9GWi8YI_20k/s1600/dancing.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCjGGhk3_lLxdiBOiU9_4CYJdEswiswSl2LTSRqR4NNDz7BZ-7SjJoI9RNtVWUE0KN7fo-VIvN-Jnq6rz7DeHH5FuuMXfeApgkwskccDOJqV2p8irBKqiEAq23GdzwS1-S9GWi8YI_20k/s320/dancing.JPG" width="137" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not a modest dancer</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
It is quite entertaining to watch (I'm told). As much fun as I have while I am dancing, I am so embarrassed afterwards. When I was 7 months pregnant with my (now 2 year old) daughter, I was in my cousin's wedding. I acted a FOOL at the reception. Just imagine a huge belly lady, popping and shaking like she is at a club. Total Foolishness.<br />
<br />
This is my shadow. One of them, anyway.<br />
<br />
I recently read <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Shadow-Effect-Illuminating-Hidden/dp/0061962643">The Shadow Effect, by Deepak Chopra, Debbie Ford, and Marianne Williamson</a> (I listened to it on my MP3) - and it changed my life!<br />
<br />
I know, I know, I say that everything is changing my life these days. But seriously. This book Changed.My.Life.<br />
<br />
The basic premise is that we were taught at a young age to *split* ourselves. That there is <i>bad us</i> - and <i>good us</i>. The bad us needs to be exterminated so we work really hard to do only good things so that we can "Be Good". All of our *bad* qualities need to be pushed down as far as possible. And shame is how it is done. Shame is what creates the shadow.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately for us wanna-be-do-gooders, they don't stay down. Our bad qualities have a habit of coming up in unexpected ways - a lot of times WORST than just doing whatever *bad* thing we were trying not to do. <br />
<br />
Growing up, I was told that a Godly woman was a modest one. That I should make sure to dress modestly, to act modestly. That any urge to act outside of these established boundaries was sinful and therefore should be avoided at all costs. ESPECIALLY when it comes to sex. As a matter of fact, I should not even *think* about boys. - much less date them. My family was really into the book: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Kissed-Dating-Goodbye-Joshua-Harris/dp/1590521358">I kissed dating, goodbye, by Joshua Harris</a>. They thought it was a GENIUS idea! "Why, if you don't date, then you can't get into trouble." <br />
<br />
Obviously, I had to dance as wild as possible. This was my way of letting off all of that repressed energy. Unfortunately, I am ASHAMED of myself afterwards. So stupid.<br />
<br />
I should learn from the The Shadow Effect book I should not be ashamed of my wild-dancing ways. That shame is what created the shadow in the first place!<br />
<br />
Well, I'm working on it ;). <br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-484154025199719952013-07-31T13:12:00.001-07:002013-07-31T13:12:33.285-07:00Journals and JournalingIf you know me in real life (and probably if you know me online, too), you know that I am obsessed with journaling. I try to make it a daily practice. Sometimes (if time permits), I will even journal multiple times a day! The clarity I get from it can be quite addictive.<br />
<br />
I do a sort of free form, stream-of-consciousness, journaling. I allow my hands to be a recorder - while my brain dictates. Because I can't write as fast as I normally think, it slows my brain down a bit, quiets the extraneous thoughts, and allows what is REALLY on my mind a space to be heard + recorded. <br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2c-F8IcX5O25TpAKmy8fVQLD11eLHs0WIDroHK-qTspRc51gkRULgk9X0RKa7HC1x6f8r3bg6n0Rp7REi0yNYoGiQOmk1JfefmSNqBoDRrsZ0I2mrgPb80-pAE8qIoeNaLISss-B2A3M/s1600/DSC_0295.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="427" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2c-F8IcX5O25TpAKmy8fVQLD11eLHs0WIDroHK-qTspRc51gkRULgk9X0RKa7HC1x6f8r3bg6n0Rp7REi0yNYoGiQOmk1JfefmSNqBoDRrsZ0I2mrgPb80-pAE8qIoeNaLISss-B2A3M/s640/DSC_0295.JPG" width="640" /></a>And every time I do that - I get the answer. Sometimes, the answer to my problem/question will just pop into my mind - as if it were already there hiding beneath the surface waiting to be called up. Sometimes it will come from something externally - like a post on facebook - or a passage from a book that I am reading. Putting my issues into words, for some reason always calls the solution to me.<br />
<br />
For the past few years, I have used a cheapie composition book to journal in. It is covered with a cute, scrappy-quilted, journal cover (that I plan to reuse - but by the time I finish a journal, I am in the mood to make another cover).<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiK9AntGUTbfY5geAHJ4qZl6DcnaoUv_Hw5EH4fcz5rEMP3P9rYXb17KCSJytT6CmpCX1edJTC256JdE-CBIrkiWRsi9Tr1R6z4Cz8-ZDlWDGHFrJv-f18N2hAMQRVe_b43s83XhTyZAs/s1600/DSC_0291.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="398" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiK9AntGUTbfY5geAHJ4qZl6DcnaoUv_Hw5EH4fcz5rEMP3P9rYXb17KCSJytT6CmpCX1edJTC256JdE-CBIrkiWRsi9Tr1R6z4Cz8-ZDlWDGHFrJv-f18N2hAMQRVe_b43s83XhTyZAs/s640/DSC_0291.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
I love the look of the outside of them - but I wanted my current journal to be a bit more expressive of my inner world. So, I made a book that represents that - a book filled with black pages. I know, that sounds very dramatic.<br />
<br />
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But seriously, when I sit quietly inside my own head - it is so dark and grim in there - probably from being so repressed. I learned from my super religious up-bringing, that we are to search OUTSIDE of ourselves for answers, that the Bible holds all of the (important) answers, and if there is any conflict in my mind - then I must squash the inner *knowing* that is conflicting. <br />
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Because what is it that we really know? Isn't man inherently evil? And without believing in the Christian faith, aren't we lost and doomed for hell? Maybe...<br />
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But if I keep following a path that someone else has dictated is the *right one*, I will most certainly have a nervous breakdown. My family has a history of mental illness, so this is more than probable. <br />
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Anyway, that is the back story to my journal of black pages. Fortunately, the more I face my shadows (shine light on them) they disappear! So maybe my next journal will be a bit brighter. ;)<br />
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Are you ready to start journaling? Do it! Do it right now! It may take a while to get your flow - and to start receiving inner wisdom - but it is soooo, soooo amazing when you do! Here are a few tutorials to make your own journal!<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Here is a tutorial on how to make a journal cover. </span><span style="font-size: x-small;"> Here is one on how to make a journal with black pages.</span></div>
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Love and Light<br />
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Ayana<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-74470268967829361322013-07-27T17:34:00.001-07:002013-08-07T12:11:20.460-07:00I am *not* ugly. We recently had in-laws in town, and one of them gave me a hard time about my feet - that hurt my feelings so bad, I started crying. In the store. Well, it was a corner of the store so not to draw attention to myself - especially from the offending family member. Maybe she would be sympathetic and <br />
apologize - or maybe she wouldn't be and state that she was just "speaking the truth". <br />
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And speaking the truth, would be accurate - as my feet were horrible. I hadn't had a pedicure in at least 6 months. I may have polished my toes since then - but not in the last few months. So not only was the polish chipping - but it had grown out so bad that the bottom third had no polish at all, whatsoever. It was bad. <br />
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I describe myself as a low-maintenance type of chick. Actually it may be a bit more extreme than that. I do not do a lot of self-maintenance besides the obligatory daily shower and brushing/flossing my teeth twice a day. <br />
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I rarely shave my legs. <br />
I (obviously) do not get pedicures. <br />
And my eyebrows are fully grown in most of the time.<br />
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These things may be present in someone *spiritual* and not concerned about such vanity. However, my tears indicated that was not the case.<br />
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I could have just gotten a pedicure and been done with it.... But I knew from my extreme emotional response that it was deeper than that. And it was.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwDWXTvEWl8-ttIPo6uIamFI1F0PPWN9Eh8GjuWOOuJmpA-UIeR6l18rfcpMTJwh8pjJvdOooFO38RNJ3BVs8HRdPTS9T-dB3gbTmxf7hucRe0txbdAkqhGwG8jWbkcn8qCThagjcWVoA/s1600/DSC_0259.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwDWXTvEWl8-ttIPo6uIamFI1F0PPWN9Eh8GjuWOOuJmpA-UIeR6l18rfcpMTJwh8pjJvdOooFO38RNJ3BVs8HRdPTS9T-dB3gbTmxf7hucRe0txbdAkqhGwG8jWbkcn8qCThagjcWVoA/s320/DSC_0259.JPG" width="320" /></a>So I journaled my way through it. Which is what I usually do when I am having some sort of inner dilemma From journaling, it became clear that that the reason I don't do things to *prettify* myself is because I do not feel pretty. In fact, I feel that spending time + money on making myself attractive is a waste of both. <br />
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Which is really, really sad and pathetic. <br />
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And stupid. I am obviously not (that) ugly. Actually, I don't think I am ugly at all. I just sometimes have a warped image of myself. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk">Not unlike a lot of women</a>.<br />
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And my journaling alerted me to that. I haven't quite finished working through it completely, yet - but seeing the issue so clearly is a huge step in resolving it. I am so, so, grateful for journaling. I highly recommend it!<br />
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BTW, I did get a pedicure (paid for by said family member!)- and made myself a cute little toe ring. Here is a tutorial for you to make your own! Just use a smaller gauge wire - I used 16 gauge - which is pretty easy to find in the hardware store.<br />
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Love and Light<br />
Ayana.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3984667778060533749.post-37964292726504257102013-07-26T21:07:00.003-07:002013-07-26T21:07:48.712-07:00My JourneySo, I have kinda kept this under wraps, but I have not been a * practicing* Christian for a few years now. And I say practicing instead of just Christian - because I haven't quite let go of Christianity. <br />
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Maybe it's the fear of going to hell. Maybe it's the disappointment that will be present in so many friends and family. Maybe it's because my childhood brain-washing has been so thorough, I can not let it all go. Or maybe Christianity is the *real* truth - and like the bible says in Romans 8: 38-39, once you are *saved* you are always saved.<br />
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Regardless of my Christian-ness or not, I have not stepped foot into a church in 3 years - and the thought of doing so makes me want to hyperventilate.<br />
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About 3 years ago, we were attending an AMAZING church. I loved the pastor, the music, even the *style* of the church. Everybody there wore chucks and had tattoos - and the black women rocked awesome naturals. It was the best church I had ever attended... until something snapped. Nothing happened at the church or anything... but for some reason, I could NOT go back. Like ever.<br />
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Whatever snapped was internal and I finally admitted that Christianity didn't resonate with me - and my body would not let me go back.<br />
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Let me tell you a little about my story.<br />
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I had been *saved* since I was a toddler - and took it very seriously. I read my bible, religiously. I tried my best not to sin. I went to a string of churches, each one mostly better than the last. Unfortunately, none of those things gave me a relationship with Spirit. I felt like I was always on the outside, looking in... waiting my turn for spiritual enlightenment. Never happened while I was in church.<br />
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I went to very emotional churches like: <a href="http://www.newbirth.org/">New Birth in Lithonia</a>. I went to very conservative churches like <a href="http://www.sbcwr.org/">Second Baptist in Warner Robins</a>. I went to very literal churches like <a href="http://cchga.org/">Calvary Chapel in Fort Valley</a>. Once, we even had our own tiny church in our living room (my husband was not the pastor) - but we did (along with my brother-in-law) make up more than half the membership.<br />
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Although the churches were all quite different - the Christian message was the same: "You are evil without Christ. You are lost with out Jesus. Anyone who is not Christian is lost and evil and is going to hell." And this message just does not sit well with me. <br />
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Logically, the way a message sits with me is irrelevant. If God says it, then it's so. What does my emotional unrest have to do with anything? Just because I didn't *feel* it. Just because I don't *hear* from God, does not mean that anything is wrong with Christianity. It just means that something is wrong with *me*. <- and this logic is what kept me going back to church. <br />
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It is also what prevented me from listening to and hearing my internal higher self. I was convinced that something was wrong myself. Until I stopped going to church.<br />
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Then all of a sudden, it seemed like the lights came on. Okay, a very, very, dim light. But I was finally able to get snatches of wisdom. It is amazing!<br />
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I still have issues with hearing from my Higher Self, consistently. I still have many shadows that need light. I still have questions about things that come up on my journey. But *finally* I have a knowing - that I am on the right path. I am afraid - but so, so excited!<br />
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Please join me on my journey :).<br />
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Love and Light<br />
AyanaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05411942259240765479noreply@blogger.com0