Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Love + Acceptance

I was rejected today. Well, not really. Someone said something that triggered the rejection emotion - which, in my case is a BIG emotion. I was sobbing, ruining my make-up and everything.

"That's why nobody likes you" my brother used so say.

"That's why nobody likes you" is chanted over and over in my head just below my consciousness.

Two things about this statement.

1.) That no one likes me.

2.) (and this is the worst of the two) That there is an intrinsically, unlikeable quality I possess that prevents love and acceptance.

So, I have developed methods to neutralize this quality… Some of them healthier than others. A few examples include: trying to be as attractive as possible, making really good grades, and constantly monitoring all interactions to gauge if I am deemed acceptable by the other party.

Today, I was found *unacceptable* by my gauge, which triggered a plethora of tears and wrenching emotions. 

Perhaps it was because I have a new ability to look deeper within.  Or perhaps it was because I had the words *loved* and *accepted* on my alter.  Whatever the reason, I was able to stop in the middle of my wails and listen.  I really listened. That’s when I heard the chanting so clearly. And I saw myself as a little girl, wanting acceptance and love – and all the insecure feelings came to the surface – and I cried some more. Then I gave that little girl some love.

And THEN I was good. 

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