Removing Blocks

Journaling in a hand-bound book.

The hardest thing about the process is knowing what they are when they come up.

In my experience, a block doesn't come up all nice and clean, revealing it's true identity.  It comes up from the ego, disguised as someone ELSE's problem.  Oftentimes, it's my husband's.

For example, E is was giving me an informal course in Programming 2, a class that I dropped in college and always think about going back and retaking.

He very good at keeping a lot of data in his head and processing it.  He rarely has to write things down in order to understand them.  So, this is the way he teaches. Unfortunately, this is not at all the way I learn. My attention goes in and out from minute to minute - and I may miss whole paragraphs focusing on something else like, the tone of his voice or what I am going to cook for dinner.  I am very much a visual learner.  If it's written down, I can just look at it in my own time, regardless of how often my attention weans and waxes...

So, the other night, I get EXTREMELY irritated while he is teaching me command line syntax.   HOW does he expect me to keep ALL that in my head without writing it down????  What kind of person does not write things they are explaining, ANYWAY?

I get SO angry at him, I tell him: forget it.  I can't take his *class* and storm off.

After I am by myself, I am still fuming.  This is definitely a block, I know.  Because it is *my* block, it is hard for me to see it for what it really is.  My ego HATES being exposed.  So, I have to get to work.  I journal.  I meditate.  I try to let go of all of my current thoughts about the situation.  And I hear a small voice (figuratively!).

It says: "You must be stupid.  Something is wrong with the way you think."  Ha!  This is it!  Obviously, I am not stupid.   But, clearly, this is a deep seated fear that I have.  This is why I got SO angry with E's teaching *style*.   Some time ago, I was taught that if I didn't understand things quickly, then I must not be *good* at it.

Side note: This is the way, unfortunately the way most of our children are taught in school and at home.  They are praised for learning something quickly - and are not praised for struggling through material.  They learn that they are *good* at something that is easy.  And that the opposite must be the case: they are *bad* at something they struggle with.  So, they learn to hate struggle.  Praise, itself, is the problem... but that is another blog post.

I go back to that *lesson* and retrain myself.  I tell myself that it is okay to have a different learning style.  It is okay to struggle with material.  This says nothing of my value.  I am enough. I know enough.  And the block is removed.

Unfortunately, sometimes, for whatever reason the last step isn't entirely successful.  Sometimes, I may have the same block come up, multiple times.  Sometimes multiple blocks come up at the same time, making identification extremely complex. But I know that they will come up, naturally.  And I will continue to retrain myself.

Since my breakTHROUGH, I have been seeing blocks left and right.  They come up several times a day.  It's pretty intense.  Sometimes, I have to excuse myself at awkward times to deal with them.  But I know that this is the key to *curing* my depression and reaching spiritual enlightenment.   So, I don't mind at all :).

I had a *productive* conversation with my higher self.

This is big news since I have had a torrid relationship with myself for a very long time.

I went to a meditation once, and in it we met with one of our spirit guides.  Mine was a skinny guy with long robes and a jolly disposition.

Another participant told us she saw herSELF as her spirit guide.  The leader of the meditation was impressed.  I was appalled.  Why in the world would I want to meet ME in a meditation?  Gross.

When I think of myself, I think of this argumentative, unattractive, know-it-all, transparent, WEIRDO who feels the incomprehensible need to share all her vulnerabilities.  WHO in their right mind would want to meet HER in a meditation?  Not me, for sure.

Meditating in the backyard.  My brother came out and
took  this picture.

I have been successfully avoiding her for most of my life.  However, when I had my recent breakdown - she came front and center.  Having learned how my shadows appear, I knew this was something I couldn't avoid much longer.

So I invited her into a conversation during a meditation.  While I am laying in bed with my daughter to help her go to sleep, I often go into a meditation.  This helps my daughter go to sleep - and it guarantees I make time to meditate.

In the meditation, I saw her big and floating above me.  Smug.  I was smashed down in the shape of a suitcase, in a box that could fit me and another few suitcases.

I asked her, "Why do I hate you?"
She responds, "You don't hate me, you are afraid of me..."
She continues, "You know I won't fit in that little pathetic suitcase carrier.  Once you become me, you will burst out of there and you will NOT fit in where you have been trying to fit in your whole life.  Some people will not like you.  Some people will not approve of you.  Some people will be afraid of you.  You have been afraid of that."

I get the familiar tingles that tell me she is telling the truth.  And I immediately realize THIS is what was trying to come up!  THIS was the source of my depression.   My higher self has been trying to get my attention, but I have been ignoring her.

"Okay, Okay. WHAT should I do to get out of here?" I ask her.
She tells me, "Just get up.  There is nothing holding you.  You think there are strings but they are not there."

I look with one eye (because my other eye is strangely covered by some other part of my body in this ridiculous contortion) and sure enough, where it seemed to be strings tying me down, there were none.  Just my imagination.

Amazing, right?

Since then, I have been constantly making an effort to get up and out.  Currently, I think I am sitting on the edge of the container.  Still wanting to be liked/loved by those I respect - but not quite willing to contort myself to be that.

One of these days, hopefully, I will be completely OUT and away from the box of acceptance and conformity.  I will realize that I am safer out than in.  That my own love and acceptance is more than enough to sustain me.  And I will be big, and floating, and fully, and completely ME.

That will be awesome. :).

Suicide

Meditation Pillow

I almost killed myself last month.  Seriously.

It all started in November at my book club.  My book club, by the way, is made up of some of the most AMAZING women I have ever met.  My friend, who happens to be an intuitive healer, talked a little about her spiritual journey.  She talked of some Kundalini exercise - where if you do it a certain ridiculous number of times, you will get a major spiritual experience.  Of course, I promptly started to practice it.  She told me that I should NOT do it.  She said that there was a good chance I wouldn't be able to handle it.  I was like: "PSHHHH!  You think that is going to stop me?  I am TOTALLY doing it!"

This spiritual journey is so SLOW going.  I want to be THERE already!  I want all my blocks to be gone.  I want to be able to communicate with my spirit guides.  I want to be able to listen to my intuition!  I want to feel energy!


SO, I did the exercise.  I did it that night. I did it the next morning.  I tried to google how to do it properly, but without the name of it- google couldn't help me.  (If you are curious, the exercise involves doing kegels, tightening your butt muscles, and pulling up your stomach muscles at the same time.)

However, as the universe would have it, there was a full moon that next night and I happened to have a Full Moon Kundalini yoga class!  And would you believe that we did THAT very exercise for most of the session. I did not have an experience that night - nor the next.

But when my moon time came around again in December (which happened to be the 21st anniversary of my monthly cycle), I was a WRECK.  Now, let me tell you, depression is no stranger to me.  I experience it pretty much every month with my period.  I get sad or mad or just irritable.  I go off in anger, or I may cry at nothing.  I have recently learned that I get depressed when blocks are trying to surface, but I push them down.  I have been getting some energy work done (mostly Reiki) to help me release them.  And it works really well.

But THIS?  This was no ordinary depression.  This was "I can't move my legs" depression.  This was "I can't even TALK" depression.  If you compare my normal monthly depression to cramps, then this would be labor pains.  It was UNBEARABLE  I remember my kids looking at me, trying to talk to me - and I literally could not speak.  Anaya (my two year old) would wipe away my tears saying "Sorry, mommy".  Because that is what she says when someone is hurt.  And BOY was I hurting.

Can you believe I almost LEFT them???

I got energy work done several times, but it wouldn't last.

I hit rock bottom on December 17.  I left my house in a RAGE after arguing with my husband.  It was super cold, I did not have a jacket, and I live in the hood (I am usually too scared to run down the street in the daylight).  However, it was well past midnight and I just COULD NOT be in the house with him anymore.   He chased after me and brought me back in (my kids were staying with grandparents).  I remember looking up in my psychotic state and seeing the full moon, and thinking "Is this real?"  Because people going crazy on the full moon is SUCH a cliche...

Anyway, I wanted to DIE.  So, I started thinking of ways that I could do it.

1.) Gun?  No, too messy: I didn't want my family to find me dead AND bloody.
2.) Hanging? Do you know how hard it is to find something in the ceiling that can support your weight?  Really, Really hard. Also, it will hurt.  I yanked something around my neck to test it.  Umm, no - I am trying to alleviate pain, thank you very much.
3.) Jumping off something really high.  That is just for people wanting attention.  I am not trying to hold up traffic.
4.) Finally, I had an epiphany!  I could die from car exhaust!  It was such a calm and clean way of dying.  People die from that without even knowing! And no blood!

Once I figured out a way, I had to figure out when. I knew I couldn't do it with my family home.  I didn't want them to die, too.  So, maybe the next time I took the kids to school and my husband was at work, I could just come home and do it.

When I had that thought, I knew it was only a matter of time.  I knew that it would mess my family and friends up.  I have heard the stories of people's lives after someone close to them committed suicide.  It would be AWFUL.  But at the same time, I was tired... so very tired.  It was like being sleepy on the road at night.  You don't want to fall asleep - but it's inevitable...

So, I told my mom.  She TOTALLY (understandably) freaked out.  Almost had me committed. But the hospital would have definitely forced me to take drugs.  In the back (waaaaay back) of my mind I knew that I had asked for this.  I had BEGGED for a breakthrough.  I just didn't know I would have to have a breakDOWN first.  So, I agreed to stay by my husband's side until I could see a therapist.

By the way, it is extremely hard to get help for people wanting to commit suicide.  I called the national suicide hotline number and they had me on hold for several minutes (both times I called) - so I hung up.  I called every therapist I could find online and NO one was available.   My husband took me to a mental hospital for emergency care - but my only options were to either 1.) commit myself for at least 3 days or 2.) the doctor would commit me for as long as deemed necessary. So, I didn't even fill out the paperwork.

I DID finally have my *spiritual* experience.  During one morning after all the drama, E and I were eating at the Flying Biscuit and I had the epiphany: "I need to stop judging my thoughts".  In Christianity, I was taught to "guard my thoughts, guard my heart".  I was taught that even a bad thought was a sin - so to prevent myself from *sinning*, I judged all my thoughts harshly.  Does this thought lead to success?  Is this a good thought? Is this a bad one?  How could I EVER listen to my intuition if I never shut up the guard dog that was constantly barking?????  Duh!

I felt like my crown chakra opened all the way and like I was floating for about 5 minutes.  It was pretty awesome.  Not the fireworks I was expecting, but pretty memorable, anyway.  After that, I have been finding and pulling up blocks left and right.  AND I had a very productive conversation with my higher self.  (more on that here!)

Also, one of the moms at my kids' school is a psychotherapist.  And she got me in contact with another psychotherapist (actually, several - but I picked Greta because she is a life coach and she is close!).  It has been working out great.  Greta is not fully convinced that I have *cured* my depression.  But I am not worried at all. I am sure I will get sad or mad or irritable again (I have already, actually).  I still have plenty of blocks, I'm sure.  However, now I have tools to help me navigate them- before they get pushed down and turn into depression.

I finally feel like my head is clear(er).  It's almost like I had a cloud over my head for my entire life, and now it's dispersed!  What a wonderful, FREEING feeling!  And without medication!

What if everyone with depression really just had blocks that need to be removed...?

A pretty bad "Mom day"

Actually, I think I had the worst *mom* day in the history of all my bad mom days.  It didn't start out that way, let me tell you...

I woke up to a bazillion (okay - maybe 10... or 5) compliments on my new profile picture on facebook and instagram... yesss.... I made the kids breakfast (the best kind for kids: high protein, high fat)...yesss...  I made a similar lunch for them to take to school - I even remembered to pack Anaya an apple because they make applesauce in her class on Thursdays.  Pat's self on the back.

I got them to school on time - even got a chance to chat it up with a few moms.  Awesomeeeee.

Went home, did a little meditating in my sacred space.

Meditating works out better when they are sleeping or at school.

Did some sketches in my art journal outside on my back porch.

Journaled in my daily journal...

I was Totally feeling myself.

Must be the New Moon, I told myself.

THEN it was time to get my kids.  I admit - I was not very positive about this.  For good reason...  This is the first week of school, so our rhythm is all the way f-ed up.  I have no idea if Anaya will drop her naps - or if I should stay after school in the playgarden so Zeke can play with his classmates - which will mess with Anaya's naps - but maybe I should try to phase her out of them, anyway, so she will sleep longer at night... and if we do stay, what time we should leave?... If it were up to Zeke, it would be sometime after dark... and at what time should I start dinner?  These are details that I have not figured out, yet.  Unfortunately, un-figured-out, we are rhythm-less. And Zekey, who thrives on rhythm (all kids do - but Zekey more than most) - goes completely crazy without one.

You may know how this story ends.  We went to the playgarden, Zekey loses his mind when it is time to leave, I COMPLETELY lose my cool.  (I may or may not have turned into Darth Vadar and/or hit him back when he hit and kicked me and/or weighed the benefits/pitfalls of leaving him on the side of the road).  I felt terrible, afterwards.

So bad, I cried.  A long and ugly cry.

Then, I tried to logically analyze the situation.

1.) I am not good at being the mom I want to be.
2.) This makes me sad.
3.) Being sad makes my *goodness* at being a mom pretty nonexistant.
3.) I am destined to be sad, forever...

And this, dear readers, is the beginning of my depression.  Fortunately, I have been storing up tools to aid me in using my depression to help become a better person. Clearly, the solution is not to follow my pure logic.

I can't just BE a "better" mom by willing it.  I certainly can't pretend to be super mom and just DO what I think *should* be done just because I think it is the right thing to do.  I clearly have feelings that need to be dealt with - without shame. (Which creates shadow - which is how some people *actually* leave their kids on the side of the road... or blow their brains out... or both, maybe.)

So, I have to look at other clues that will lead me to the *real* answer.  One thing I have learned to look out for is what strong emotions I have about *other people*.

And *other people* in this case was my husband.  As you can imagine, I was pretty pissed at him by the time we saw him.  Here he was at work all day - in his peaceful, air conditioned office.  He is a super genius and his work is pretty brainy - so I am sure he got way more done than what was needed of him without stress.  When he comes home, he does not have to worry about if the kitchen is clean enough to make dinner, or what we are having for dinner (or breakfast...or lunch), or if there is even enough groceries for either of those. Neither does he have to worry about which rhythm will be the most beneficial and efficient - and how best to implement it.  So, of course he comes home in a deLIGHTful mood and I am so angry - I can't even really talk to him.  Fortunately, he understood - and didn't take offense (he did, after all have the ENTIRE day to himself).

Anyway, as I am analyzing my thoughts, I see him as the one that I have the strongest emotions about. Which is kinda crazy because he didn't, um, DO anything.... And then I realize that I have almost no compassion for him.  He may not be burned out from work, but he certainly does not deserve my animosity.  So, I started looking at the compassion that I was feeling for myself.

ABSOLUTELY NONE.    When I looked at that in my meditation, I immediately began to cry.  Wow. I was RAGING against myself. What a jerkface I have been to myself!  How in the world am I going to call myself a bad mom for losing my cool?  How many moms lose their cool? I bet a lot of us.  So, who did I think I was to never lose my cool?

And here again I was - calling myself a jerkface for wanting to force myself to be a great mom....   It's a vicious cycle, I tell ya!

I am now trying to give myself (and others!) the same compassion I think my kids deserve.  And I encourage you to do the same!   It is so hard, but let's work on it!

Zekey telling his sister a secret.  He likes me to put his hair 

like that so that he can pretend to be Batman.  She likes to wear

 one arm out of her sleeve... They are clearly quite the fashionistas.  

Who WOULDN'T want to be the best mom ever to them??

Love and Light,
Ayana

PMS makes me a better person.

So, these past few weeks, I have been in a TERRIBLE mood.  I have been super pissed at my husband and my kids have been driving me UP THE WALL.  I got a job (which I have been trying to get for a few months now) - but I wasn't even happy about it.  I was just stressed about it.  Are they going to like me?  Am I going to like them?  Am I going to be able to *submit* to the rules (oooh, I HATE that word!)?  Am I going to be able to stand missing some dinners every week with my family in order to go to work?

And the more angry I got, the more ANGRY I got... I was even threatening to cancel our family trip that we have been planning for several months.  It was a downward spiral.  I couldn't even journal (gasp!) because I was SO angry - I was liable to tear out the pages!

I was PMSing.

And if you are anything like my family and friends, you are going "Oooooh.  Of course.  Just wait - it will pass and you will be just fine."

That is what I normally do: Just let it pass.  I generally chuck my PMS time as a time to ignore my emotions.  But in this self-discovery journey - it is becoming clear that *extreme* emotions are not something to just ignore and wait out.

Neither are my depressive episodes (some may consider a chemical imbalance).  On the contrary, those extremely sensitive times are a map to pointing out things that need to be worked on.

This moontime, I was being led to be grateful.

Oprah's 21 day challenge has been.... a challenge to do every single day (especially while on vacation).  But I did catch the gratitude meditation and BOY has it made a difference.  If you just sit and think about everything in your life that you are grateful for.  And not just list generic things like food, shelter, and life.  But REALLY think about it them - and think about WHY you love these things.  It will fill you with so much happiness, you will be about to burst.

In my case, I think about each of my kids - and how funny, quirky, amazing, and beautiful they are.  I think about how they look, how they walk, and the funny stuff they say.  I think about my husband - and how he is (seriously) like the MOST AMAZING person EVER.  He is so grounded, and patient, and giving... and just all around awesome.  And then the job.  The job I got is one that I could not have designed to fit my lifestyle better.  It is part-time, a couple of days a week, the income is enough to significantly change our lifestyle - and the rate at which we meet our financial goals, and (most importantly) I LOVE the actual work.

And doing that meditation made me so full of happiness, it felt like I won the lottery or something.

So, even though my emotions were 'way off', they showed me what I needed to focus on. My family - which is the BEST thing in my life, and I was not fully appreciating them.

So, I challenge you to do the same!  The next time you have an extreme emotion to something, instead of just ignoring it - try to do a little self-reflection to find out what the real problem is.  And even if you aren't feeling particularly grumpy, try a gratitude meditation.   It is an instant mood booster.

So grateful we went on the trip!

Love and Light,
Ayana

New Moon Intentions

One of my favorite stones in my collection ;).

Daily Meditation

I have been following along with the meditations with Deepak and Oprah - and it has been great. Actually, out of the 5 minutes allotted of actual meditation (the audio is about 15 minutes)- I have probably been *focusing* for about 1 minute... Okay, maybe 30 seconds.  But all the reading materials say to be kind to yourself - and that the more you do it, the better you will get at it.  I do feel a difference in my mood after I have meditated - so Yay!  It is working.  Imagine how well it will work if I am able to meditate for MORE than 30 seconds....

Finish this book

ALSO, I have been reading this book: You are Psychic by Debra Lynne Katz.  And it is AMAZING!  Okay, so the name may put some people off - but my intentions for reading this book is NOT to become a psychic.  I really just want to open up my 6th chakra (3rd eye) - and who has the clearest 3rd eye?  Certainly psychics!  I will actually finish this book well before the next new moon as I am already half-way through it - and I just started it yesterday.  It is THAT GOOD.  Seriously.

Start selling .

This one is probably the one that is going to give me the most trouble.  I cannot tell you how much anxiety I have about putting my work out there for sale.  But I will do it anyway.  It is my dream to have a creative career - and the only way I will be able to do it - is to just DO IT.  So, I am going to start small and see what happens.

Okay.  So that is what I hope to accomplish in the next 28 1/2 days!  Do you set new moon intentions? It is something I started last month, and I really like it! :) So do it, do it, do it!

Love and Light

Ayana

21 day Meditation Challenge

One of my many Buddha statues. Doesn't it look so peaceful just sitting there?

I have never been one to meditate.  I always have to be doing something.  Whenever I sit still my brain is bombarded with worries (oh, no, what if THIS happens?), past conversations (did I say the wrong thing?), stuff I did not do well (I need to do better!), and stuff I NEED to do (what are you doing, just sitting here when your house is SUCH a mess?).  I told you it was dark in there.

Meditation, hopefully, will train my brain to work *correctly* and into the light. ANDDD

Oprah and Deepak Chopra are hosting a 21 day meditation challenge that starts tomorrow!  My brother invited me to join and I am SO in.  Hopefully, afterwards I will have developed a meditation practice that will extend well beyond the 21 days.

I am so excited!  Are you in?  Click here to sign up!

Love and Light
Ayana