Removing Blocks

Journaling in a hand-bound book.

The hardest thing about the process is knowing what they are when they come up.

In my experience, a block doesn't come up all nice and clean, revealing it's true identity.  It comes up from the ego, disguised as someone ELSE's problem.  Oftentimes, it's my husband's.

For example, E is was giving me an informal course in Programming 2, a class that I dropped in college and always think about going back and retaking.

He very good at keeping a lot of data in his head and processing it.  He rarely has to write things down in order to understand them.  So, this is the way he teaches. Unfortunately, this is not at all the way I learn. My attention goes in and out from minute to minute - and I may miss whole paragraphs focusing on something else like, the tone of his voice or what I am going to cook for dinner.  I am very much a visual learner.  If it's written down, I can just look at it in my own time, regardless of how often my attention weans and waxes...

So, the other night, I get EXTREMELY irritated while he is teaching me command line syntax.   HOW does he expect me to keep ALL that in my head without writing it down????  What kind of person does not write things they are explaining, ANYWAY?

I get SO angry at him, I tell him: forget it.  I can't take his *class* and storm off.

After I am by myself, I am still fuming.  This is definitely a block, I know.  Because it is *my* block, it is hard for me to see it for what it really is.  My ego HATES being exposed.  So, I have to get to work.  I journal.  I meditate.  I try to let go of all of my current thoughts about the situation.  And I hear a small voice (figuratively!).

It says: "You must be stupid.  Something is wrong with the way you think."  Ha!  This is it!  Obviously, I am not stupid.   But, clearly, this is a deep seated fear that I have.  This is why I got SO angry with E's teaching *style*.   Some time ago, I was taught that if I didn't understand things quickly, then I must not be *good* at it.

Side note: This is the way, unfortunately the way most of our children are taught in school and at home.  They are praised for learning something quickly - and are not praised for struggling through material.  They learn that they are *good* at something that is easy.  And that the opposite must be the case: they are *bad* at something they struggle with.  So, they learn to hate struggle.  Praise, itself, is the problem... but that is another blog post.

I go back to that *lesson* and retrain myself.  I tell myself that it is okay to have a different learning style.  It is okay to struggle with material.  This says nothing of my value.  I am enough. I know enough.  And the block is removed.

Unfortunately, sometimes, for whatever reason the last step isn't entirely successful.  Sometimes, I may have the same block come up, multiple times.  Sometimes multiple blocks come up at the same time, making identification extremely complex. But I know that they will come up, naturally.  And I will continue to retrain myself.

Since my breakTHROUGH, I have been seeing blocks left and right.  They come up several times a day.  It's pretty intense.  Sometimes, I have to excuse myself at awkward times to deal with them.  But I know that this is the key to *curing* my depression and reaching spiritual enlightenment.   So, I don't mind at all :).