I had a *productive* conversation with my higher self.

This is big news since I have had a torrid relationship with myself for a very long time.

I went to a meditation once, and in it we met with one of our spirit guides.  Mine was a skinny guy with long robes and a jolly disposition.

Another participant told us she saw herSELF as her spirit guide.  The leader of the meditation was impressed.  I was appalled.  Why in the world would I want to meet ME in a meditation?  Gross.

When I think of myself, I think of this argumentative, unattractive, know-it-all, transparent, WEIRDO who feels the incomprehensible need to share all her vulnerabilities.  WHO in their right mind would want to meet HER in a meditation?  Not me, for sure.

Meditating in the backyard.  My brother came out and
took  this picture.

I have been successfully avoiding her for most of my life.  However, when I had my recent breakdown - she came front and center.  Having learned how my shadows appear, I knew this was something I couldn't avoid much longer.

So I invited her into a conversation during a meditation.  While I am laying in bed with my daughter to help her go to sleep, I often go into a meditation.  This helps my daughter go to sleep - and it guarantees I make time to meditate.

In the meditation, I saw her big and floating above me.  Smug.  I was smashed down in the shape of a suitcase, in a box that could fit me and another few suitcases.

I asked her, "Why do I hate you?"
She responds, "You don't hate me, you are afraid of me..."
She continues, "You know I won't fit in that little pathetic suitcase carrier.  Once you become me, you will burst out of there and you will NOT fit in where you have been trying to fit in your whole life.  Some people will not like you.  Some people will not approve of you.  Some people will be afraid of you.  You have been afraid of that."

I get the familiar tingles that tell me she is telling the truth.  And I immediately realize THIS is what was trying to come up!  THIS was the source of my depression.   My higher self has been trying to get my attention, but I have been ignoring her.

"Okay, Okay. WHAT should I do to get out of here?" I ask her.
She tells me, "Just get up.  There is nothing holding you.  You think there are strings but they are not there."

I look with one eye (because my other eye is strangely covered by some other part of my body in this ridiculous contortion) and sure enough, where it seemed to be strings tying me down, there were none.  Just my imagination.

Amazing, right?

Since then, I have been constantly making an effort to get up and out.  Currently, I think I am sitting on the edge of the container.  Still wanting to be liked/loved by those I respect - but not quite willing to contort myself to be that.

One of these days, hopefully, I will be completely OUT and away from the box of acceptance and conformity.  I will realize that I am safer out than in.  That my own love and acceptance is more than enough to sustain me.  And I will be big, and floating, and fully, and completely ME.

That will be awesome. :).