I woke up to a bazillion (okay - maybe 10... or 5) compliments on my new profile picture on facebook and instagram... yesss.... I made the kids breakfast (the best kind for kids: high protein, high fat)...yesss... I made a similar lunch for them to take to school - I even remembered to pack Anaya an apple because they make applesauce in her class on Thursdays. Pat's self on the back.
I got them to school on time - even got a chance to chat it up with a few moms. Awesomeeeee.
Went home, did a little meditating in my sacred space.
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| Meditating works out better when they are sleeping or at school. |
Did some sketches in my art journal outside on my back porch.
Journaled in my daily journal...
I was Totally feeling myself.
Must be the New Moon, I told myself.
THEN it was time to get my kids. I admit - I was not very positive about this. For good reason... This is the first week of school, so our rhythm is all the way f-ed up. I have no idea if Anaya will drop her naps - or if I should stay after school in the playgarden so Zeke can play with his classmates - which will mess with Anaya's naps - but maybe I should try to phase her out of them, anyway, so she will sleep longer at night... and if we do stay, what time we should leave?... If it were up to Zeke, it would be sometime after dark... and at what time should I start dinner? These are details that I have not figured out, yet. Unfortunately, un-figured-out, we are rhythm-less. And Zekey, who thrives on rhythm (all kids do - but Zekey more than most) - goes completely crazy without one.
You may know how this story ends. We went to the playgarden, Zekey loses his mind when it is time to leave, I COMPLETELY lose my cool. (I may or may not have turned into Darth Vadar and/or hit him back when he hit and kicked me and/or weighed the benefits/pitfalls of leaving him on the side of the road). I felt terrible, afterwards.
So bad, I cried. A long and ugly cry.
Then, I tried to logically analyze the situation.
1.) I am not good at being the mom I want to be.
2.) This makes me sad.
3.) Being sad makes my *goodness* at being a mom pretty nonexistant.
3.) I am destined to be sad, forever...
And this, dear readers, is the beginning of my depression. Fortunately, I have been storing up tools to aid me in using my depression to help become a better person. Clearly, the solution is not to follow my pure logic.
I can't just BE a "better" mom by willing it. I certainly can't pretend to be super mom and just DO what I think *should* be done just because I think it is the right thing to do. I clearly have feelings that need to be dealt with - without shame. (Which creates shadow - which is how some people *actually* leave their kids on the side of the road... or blow their brains out... or both, maybe.)
So, I have to look at other clues that will lead me to the *real* answer. One thing I have learned to look out for is what strong emotions I have about *other people*.
And *other people* in this case was my husband. As you can imagine, I was pretty pissed at him by the time we saw him. Here he was at work all day - in his peaceful, air conditioned office. He is a super genius and his work is pretty brainy - so I am sure he got way more done than what was needed of him without stress. When he comes home, he does not have to worry about if the kitchen is clean enough to make dinner, or what we are having for dinner (or breakfast...or lunch), or if there is even enough groceries for either of those. Neither does he have to worry about which rhythm will be the most beneficial and efficient - and how best to implement it. So, of course he comes home in a deLIGHTful mood and I am so angry - I can't even really talk to him. Fortunately, he understood - and didn't take offense (he did, after all have the ENTIRE day to himself).
Anyway, as I am analyzing my thoughts, I see him as the one that I have the strongest emotions about. Which is kinda crazy because he didn't, um, DO anything.... And then I realize that I have almost no compassion for him. He may not be burned out from work, but he certainly does not deserve my animosity. So, I started looking at the compassion that I was feeling for myself.
ABSOLUTELY NONE. When I looked at that in my meditation, I immediately began to cry. Wow. I was RAGING against myself. What a jerkface I have been to myself! How in the world am I going to call myself a bad mom for losing my cool? How many moms lose their cool? I bet a lot of us. So, who did I think I was to never lose my cool?
And here again I was - calling myself a jerkface for wanting to force myself to be a great mom.... It's a vicious cycle, I tell ya!
I am now trying to give myself (and others!) the same compassion I think my kids deserve. And I encourage you to do the same! It is so hard, but let's work on it!
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Zekey telling his sister a secret. He likes me to put his hair
like that so that he can pretend to be Batman. She likes to wear
one arm out of her sleeve... They are clearly quite the fashionistas.
Who WOULDN'T want to be the best mom ever to them??
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Ayana
